I like it, like it

Annnnd here we are. the first decade of the 2000’s has passed, and it’s time to move on to a better and brighter future. I’m gonna do myself a favor and pretend most of 2010 didn’t happen, considering it was …. not my favorite year of life. mmk?

That’s not to say it was all bad.. for example, Christmas was wonderful.. because I love my family. they are the coolest. (obvi, since they produced me.) AND I love Jesus.

but so far, I have no qualms with 2011. I started it out right.. in Vegas with my best friends. (following photo stolen from Cam’s Facebook)

usually I hate New Years because it’s so overrated and anti-climactic, (and that includes New Years Resolutions. ridick. I don’t do those.) but that was New Year’s done right.

in summary:

  • First night in St. Geezy, lunch with Elsie and boutique/outlet shopping to remedy the fact that the ONLY pair of jeans I brought definitely had a gaping hole in the crotch. I mean, I know I was going to Vegas, but I wasn’t tryna go to quite that extreme.
  • GHETTO Imperial Palace hotel with a bomb central strip location
  • s-h-o-p-p-i-n-g. biggest H&M in the world in Caesar’s Palace? okey dokey. when do I move in?
  • food, food, foooooood. The Hash House, something I can’t remember the name of in Planet Hollywood that was yum, and Dick’s Last Resort. The latter was HILARIOUS, but the only appropriate picture I feel comfortable posting for all the world to see is the picture of my Diet Coke with 25 straws in it. if you have never been there.. oh man. it’s a special place.
  • L.A. comedy show at the Four Queens
  • Fremont Street crazy drunk homeless dudes who loved us
  • Karaoke. Me, Mariah Carey, and my own personal groupie. Dance-off.
  • New Years kisses
  • Fireworks! (I hate you, Katy Perry, for ruining that word for me forever. I have never felt, and will never feel, like a plastic bag.)
  • Observing Black Jack and playing Zeus II once — not my fave.
  • We’re sober, cuz around me they be actin like dey dru-u-unk. And that’s a fact.. people are crazy in Vegas. It was very amusing.
  • Seeing all the pretty people.. especially in the Cosmopolitan. That is a swanky hotel/casino, kids. It was pretty swaggerific.
  • The fact that I got to escape from Utah for a few days

Also in recent news…

MUCH needed girls’ night out with my beautiful roommates. we danced our bums off and laughed in between. it was pretty epic.

and…

my first ever legit trip to Crystal Hot Springs during which I did not sneak into a hotel pool and get the cops called. I have no idea what that would be about.

it was lovely and mineral-y and hot!

and finally……

today I started school again after a 4-year absence. let’s be honest, it’s uber-weird to be a student now that I’m also a teacher. it gives me whole a different perspective. I might even be quite well-behaved this time around.

but know what’s awesome? the fact that I only get to take what I used to consider to be “fun” classes. I was crazy not to do this before. (p.s. for those of you just coming in to this news, I’m going back to study graphic design so I can pretty much change my whole career. woop!)

k.. that’s all I’m sharing for today. I hope you’re grateful for all these AWESOME crappy phone pictures. yeah-yuh!! byeeeeeeeee!

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where’s the DeLorean?

it’s been a strange week.

just to keep things spicy… in the past few days, I have been contacted by 4 specific and significant guys in my life.. and I know you wanna hear about them. here we go.

the first is funny. it is one of my best friends. he is married, but he talks to me almost daily. it’s a strange relationship, but it isn’t inappropriate. we don’t have romantic feelings, and we don’t cross boundaries.

here is an exerpt from a convo we had tonight, in fact. we are talking about the strangeness of our relationship:

him: you’re my bffbf.

me: bfffbf? what does that stand for?

him: Glad u asked
Best friend forever facebook friend

me: haha!!
oh mylanta. this honor can never be comprehended

him: “Surpassed” is the word you were looking for.
So when you’re talking about me you can say ” my bfffbf ____….”  Cuz u talk about me to everyone.

me: obvi.
my bfffbf. I hope I don’t get tongue tied just saying it

him: And yes. Our relationship may be weird, but it’s freaking awesome.
It’s weird to outsiders

me: yes it is
to both of those comments

him: Cuz I’m hitched. But the great part is… my wife is like, “Aubrey thinks you’re retarded so I’m not even worried. U could be alone on a desert island and I wouldn’t care”

me: HAHAHAHAHA
hahahahahahahahaha
did she actually say that?
please say yes

him: Yeah.
Nobody else has that privilege. FYI

me: hahahahahahahahaha
I am literally cracking up right now

him: Except for maybe Bette Midler
Cuz she’s old

me: I don’t know whether to be insulted or flattered

him: Flattered. I’d go with that

me: Bette Midler?!?

him: Lol
I dunno. First name that came to mind
Which is strange, cuz I hate the view. Worst tv ever.

me: that is insulting to be compared to her
on a scale of attractiveness
or concern from a wife’s perspective

him: Hahaha
Forget it.
How about. Betty White.
Sandra Bullock.
Cuz they’re the same. lol.

me: “You are about as threatening to be trapped on an island with my husband as Bette Midler is. enjoy your hideousness.”
ahem.
that’s only a snippet of the conversation. but you get the idea.
the next comes in the form of my on-and-off long distance whatever for the past 7.5 or 8 years. (wanna talk about weird/complicated relationships? don’t even get me started on this one.) after months of not-speaking after his c-r-a-z-y girlfriend went ballistic on him for talking to me.. (seriously. she’s psycho.) he contacted me today. he misses me. she still sees me as a threat. but ultimately the situation has not changed.
(at least I’m not Bette Midler status with SOMEbody.)

thirdly.. I happened to decide to watch “P.S. I Love You” on Sunday night. it matched my mood. watching Irish or Englishmen on tv always makes me think about my first love. he is half English, half Irish. Monday, guess who contacted me via MSN messenger.. also after months of not speaking? he has a serious girlfriend these days, but we are friends and it’s nice to catch up occasionally. but the timing was ironic at best. how does that happen?

the fourth is one of my very best friends. this one is purely for your entertainment. he has been previously featured on Tidbits from Aubrey’s Text Messages.” our conversations should almost always be broadcast. they occur daily and they are amazing. today, this happened, as we were talking about comfortable states of being:

me: I wish I could just wear a towel all day everyday. that’s my favorite way to be dressed. I stay in a towel as long as possible everyday.

him: I can’t tie it so it stays.

me: I usually use my armpit to hold it.

him: And unders?

me: Nah. Defeats the purpose. Might as well just wear unders.

him: Good point. I don’t really wear just a towel. Too many dudes around.

Are you still be-toweled?

me: No cuz I’m about to go to work. I’m half-dressed now.

him: I was going to ask what kind of things do you do in a towel? You couldn’t do anything too active, or you know…nudity.

me: Not strenuous things.. but I think that’s part of the comfort.

*about 7 hours later*

him: I’m trying the towel only strategy. Going well so far.

me: Bahaha. I love that you are trying it. Isn’t it divine?

him: It’s pretty sweet. But now I’m just chilling in my room because I can’t really go outside.

me: True. That’s kind of nice though.

him: So I’m just supposed to, like hang out and enjoy? Text people? Read things?

me: Yeah. Watch movies. Play online. Have a solo dance party. Do your thing.

him: Word.

that just happened.
…what is my life??!
normal relationships are out of my reach. that concept is beyond me.

Tidbits from Aubrey’s Text Messages

I had to share this stuff. (Sorry Shelb. I know I still owe you a mission post. I promise it’s coming.) The following are the reasons I love texting. The three people featured are the three that I text the most. These are only excerpts of the hilarious things that pass through my phone.

*************************************

Cale: “F. What’s your phone number?”

Me: “801…blahbity blah. Why?”

Cale: “I have 2 numbers under your name. Did you get the picture of the wrap I sent earlier?”

Me: “I sure didn’t.”

Cale: “Ehhh I sent that picture to a random then. Plus it’s someone I know because I used to hide numbers under other contacts…I’m sure they’ll enjoy that.”

Me: “Ha! You hid numbers under other contacts? Why?”

Cale: “So if I ever got a text from whoever it would be like…Aubrey!
Texted you!”

Me: “Haha! So you wanted extra texts from me?”

Cale: “Pretty much, yo.”

**************************************

Me: “I hope this lands in your dreams tonight.”

Cale: “That’s awful. What is that?!”

Me: “That’s the way CPR practice babies are stored. With their heads backwards between their legs.”

Cale: “Oh I see, so they can have the Satanic powers needed to come to life at night.”

****************************************

Kevin: “You are asleep. Deep in your psyche I am embedding a desire for you to text me. When you wake the urge will grow so intense that you will be forced to obey.”

**********************************************

Cambria: “Remember when we took pictures of the ballerina in class?”

Me: “Yep. Why?”

Cambria: “I wanna do that with Aaron’s muscles.”

Me: “Hahahahaha!!”

Cambria: “I’m so serious!”

Me: “I know. The light would definitely enhance the muscle bulge. Would he do it?”

Cambria: “I think so… I asked him yesterday and he thought I was weird.”

**************************************

(I don’t know why, but I have ended up having 2 different conversations where the following topic came up. and neither time was it my idea.)

Cale: “Ok check me. If a magic sex change fairy flew up to you and was like ‘Aubrey Wilkinson….you get this one chance and one chance only to become a man. But there’s no going back,’ how would you respond?”

Me: “No thanks. I don’t even know how to be a guy. I would be lost.”

Cale: “You just walk around. Look at stuff. Wear pants always. Brush teeth. Play nintendo.”

Me: “Hahaha. That was the best description of being a guy ever.”

Cale: “What’s it like being a girl?”

Me: “Always try to look pretty. Get treated to things. Get critiqued/looked at a lot. Eat chocolate. Shop. Laugh. Make stuff. Be in charge. Multitask.”

Cale: “I’m good at half of those things.”

Me: “Which half?”

Cale: “Make stuff. Be in charge. Shop for one specific thing. Try to look pretty.”

*****************************************

Me: “A. I have no idea how to be a dude. And B. I kind of like being me.”

Kevin: “Being a dude is easy. We pee standing up.”

****************************************

Cambria: “Tell me what to say! I’m sending you texts between me and J. Starting with me:”

(J calls multiple times and complains she is not answering)
Cambria: “Dude! I’m at work!!!”
J: “Well…lame! What are you doing tonight?”
Cambria: “I’m going to a soiree. Fancy huh? You?
J: “Just wishing I was hangin out with you…”

Me: “Oh gag.”
“Is that all?”

Cambria: “Yeah.”

Me: “I would say, ‘Yeah I get that a lot,’ or something snotty like that.”
“Or don’t write back for a long time and when you do, totally change the subject. Like ‘Ahh the fattest lady EVER just came into the store!’ or something.”

******************************************

(Discussing my problems with my hanging shoe rack)

Kevin: “Ha just put your shoes on the ground”

Me: “I have too may, they don’t fit. :(”

Kevin: “Wow that is a lot of shoes. I have 4 pairs. My everyday shoes, church shoes, flip flops, and my football shoes.”

Me: “4?! Man. I don’t even know how many I have..”

Kevin: “Yup 4. And I only ever wear 2.”

Me: “Dang gina. I would die.”
“I just counted and I have 54 pairs. Not including slippers.”

Kevin: “I don’t think I could possibly wear that many shoes.”

Me: “Trust me it’s possible. It’s what makes the outfit!”

Kevin: “I don’t have outfits.”

Me: “That’s ok. I do. I’ll handle it for you.”

Kevin: “Ok you can have the outfits.”

Me: “Thanks for your sacrifice.”

Kevin: “It’s gonna be difficult, but I’ll do it for you.”

*************************************

Cale: “Wilkinson, how important would you say a 6-pack is to you?”

Me: “Not at all. I’m all about arms/shoulders/hands.”

Cale: “Hand workouts?”

“Grab things?”

*************************************

Cambria: “I’m pretty sure there is a lesbian couple living across the street from us.”

Me: “YES! Wait, how do you know?” 

Cambria: “There is one that looks like a lady, and another one who looks like a little boy, but when I look closer, I’m pretty sure she’s a girl too.”

Me: “Well, I’m glad we have no blinds on our house and walk around in our skivvies all the time.”

Cambria: “We are homewreckers.”