10/30 things. part 3. and a new name.

well. shall we start by pointing out the obvious? if you are any kind of observant, you may have noticed the large black title at the top of the page has been changed.

if you did not notice, you are clearly not any kind of observant. (sorry ’bout it!)

see.. I got married.. (surprise!) and according to the government.. my last name is no longer Wilkinson.. which makes my prior blog name sadly sort of irrelevant.

I have struggled to come up with a new name for my blog that was of the same caliber as “The Wilki Way,” and no inspiration had hit me.. I wanted to do something lame and quirky and/or alliteration-y with Havea.. like.. Have-a Good Day.. or Hello Havea.. or.. something even worse. (I know, the mind reels.) but maybe I just haven’t been an H-name long enough to know the cool associations.

and last night, as I read through dumb things on the internet.. like how my rap name could be any of the following:

Wicked Aubrey H Ritzy Slam

Juicy Aubrey A

XL Aubrey a.k.a. Madam Tender

or A Aubrey Booty Nugget

and, you know… really doing useful things with my life…

it hit me that this blog is so much a mixture of my thoughts and musings and poetry and photos and.. life.. that it’s kind of like a letter from me to cyber world. it’s like a dear diary entry.. so I should sign it, Sincerely, Aubrey.

and I liked it.

who knows, though?.. at any given moment I may re-name it to The Musings of Madam Tender Booty Nugget (gross) and you will LOVE IT.

but enough of that. let’s get on to the third installment of this questionnaire and then I will feel accomplished.

21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?

dude. easy. I would be able to teleport ANYWHERE I wanted to, whenever I wanted to. like.. apparate Harry Potter style. and the first thing I would do with it? obvi. go see my husband. errrday. and then go see Europe.

22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?

hm. 5 years, I see me FINALLY living with husband, in the same country, hopefully still working at my new job.. but promoted, and also doing freelance photography and design work on the side. and provided husby is fairly solidified in a career or education.. having a kid. (yikes. yi-hikes.)
10 years? I prolly wanna be done having kids, considering I’ll be 37 by then. so I guess I should get a move on in the next decade. I see us having 3 kids or so. and since husband wants to go into the military, I’m actually not sure where we’ll be living at that point. if we CAN stay close to my fam, that’d be sweet… but I kind of don’t see that happening, based on the career choice.. if that works out. but I imagine I’ll still be working at least part-time as a mom, so I can help pay the bills. but within 10 years, I should have enough freelance design and photography work and experience to really be able to contribute to our income without having to be away from home a lot. (so hire me! I’m good, I promise.)
15 years.. uh… pretty much the same as the 10 year summary.

I’ll be honest, since I don’t even have a guarantee that my husband can get in the country yet.. I’m not banking on any plans at this point. my future is extremely unknown, given that he has to start over from ground zero in education and career when he finally does get here. and I’m not sure how it’s gonna pan out. this question is making me stressed.

NEXT.

23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.

didn’t we already do a question like this?
…maybe not.
let’s see.. in no particular order.

  • photography – I love capturing life through my point of view.. because no two points of view are ever quite the same, even of the same subject. and the darkroom and/or photoshop manipulations and edits are so much fun to me.. I love the artistry that comes through composition and manipulation of a photograph, either to portray reality, or to distort it into something else.
  • I’ll just summarize this one into a range of fine art. I love drawing with graphite the most, but I also really like working with pastels and charcoals and pen and ink.. and of course graphic design on the computer, translating from hand-drawings to computer graphics. I’m not a huge fan of painting or sculpture, but sometimes they’re aight. I guess I’m more a 2-D kind of gal. (yes I realize painting is mostly 2-D. it’s whatever.)
  • music!!! I love singing, playing the piano, and listening to (literally) all kinds of music. I can find something from every genre that I like. I grew up in a highly musical family, so that’s always been one of my favorite activities.. it’s necessary, like breathing.
  • I’m a really big sports fan. in my family, we watch sports together. it’s just what we do. and my mom screams louder at the TV/game than my dad does. I am a huge Ute fan and a Utah Jazz fan.. my favorite sports to watch are football, basketball, and rugby.. and my favorite sports to play are volleyball and softball.
  • it’s hard for me to pick a top 5 here.. I enjoy so many things.. I could say dancing, movies, reading, shopping, decorating, concerts, camping, theater.. but I think I’ll go with traveling as my other top 5 hobby. I absolutely love seeing new places, meeting new people, taking in new culture, trying new food.. I have an adventurous soul and I am always itching to go somewhere and experience something new. (I think I have to be this way in order to deal with marrying someone from another country, and potentially moving around with a husband in the military. I don’t think it would work otherwise.)

24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.

my family dynamic hasn’t actually changed that much. I’m the oldest child and I would take the lead when we (my siblings and I) were kids with my imaginative crazy ideas.. but we were always great friends and very close. we enjoyed spending time together and playing games and watching movies, and that hasn’t changed at all. I am super close with my siblings.. we are all just older, but we are still tight. now we are just adding new spouses into the mix, who, fortunately, like hanging out with the fam just as much as we do. I feel very lucky.

25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?

sheesh. I guess I’d pick Abraham Lincoln. I’m really curious as to how he was in real life.. I like him. (not as a vampire hunter.)

and we’d eat… good.. food? idk. whatever early American food was delicious.

weird question.

26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?

haha. interesting. today we just had a lesson in Sunday School about Korihor the Anti-Christ from the Book of Mormon, and how the world latches onto his attitude even today. I also have seen a couple of articles about Christ lately that have made me think.. generally I think most people accept that Jesus Christ existed, as a human being, but so many reject the notion of his divinity.. that he could be the Son of God and our Savior. if you pray in sincerity about this principle, you can feel the truth of it… unequivocally. intellectuals want to intellectualize their way out of belief and faith. but the other thing that most of the world has wrong about Christ, is, even if they believe he’s the Savior, they think they don’t have to do anything besides “believe” in him or say they accept him to be saved. the world is lazy and they want “now” results. I think deep down, we all know that it takes a lifetime of righteous living and repentance in order to be saved in the end, and then Christ makes up the difference where we fall short after all we can do. people just don’t want to work that hard. really, though.. if you think about it, life is a whole lot easier when you don’t have the consequences of bad choices and/or sin to deal with. plus, you get eternal happiness. winner!

27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?

hm… visually: my lips. my lips are shaped the way kids always doodle them. (I always wanted to be a makeup aisle lip model. haha.)
functionally: my hands. I mean, really.. what would I do without them? I have very capable hands, and I need them.

28. What is your love language?

when I have taken the love language quiz, it tells me my love language is physical touch. I also scored high in words of affirmation and quality time.

here’s the description:

Physical Touch

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face–they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

so there’s that. (Mote.. take notes.)

29. What do you think people misunderstand most about you?

I don’t really know how to say this the right way.. please don’t think I’m being conceited or something. but from the comments I get all the time, I think people think I’m really confident and good at everything. I always get comments about how talented I am and get asked things like, “Is there ANYthing you’re not good at?”
I think I come across this way because my talents are very visible. many of them are performance-related or art-related or physical, tangible things that you can see. I also realized I have been very blessed with my talents and I feel a great responsibility to not “hide my light under a bushel,” as it were.

but what I think people don’t understand or see are the insecurities inside.. or the fear of not measuring up compared to other people who are also talented in the same areas. I come across as confident, but I don’t always feel that way inside. my philosophy is always, “act like you know what you’re doing and people will believe you.”

30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.

okay.. this question is surprisingly difficult. but I’ll give it a shot. (remember, this is what I HOPE to be remembered for.. a.k.a. things I’m still working on.)

  • a strong testimony and outstanding faith
  • my awesome sense of humor
  • the art, photos, and things I have created
  • my writing and poetry
  • my love for people
  • being a good wife, mother, grandmother, etc.
  • my spunk
  • that I stood up for what I believed in
  • that I made the world a little bit more beautiful, better place
  • the music I made

haaaaaa.. yes! I finished it!

BAM!

y’welcome, internets and future posterity.

sincerely,

Aubrey (<—-eh??? see what I did there??? I think this could work.)

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30 things. actually, 10. part 1.

30 Things:

So.. I think I must be bored lately. (Not having a steady job and being a newlywed with your husband on the other side of the world and no money to go out nor friends who are very available to see you will do that to a person.) Not only have I finally decided to take on a “Photo-a-Day” project for July on Instagram.. (username: aubreyhavea) but I also found this on a random blog. The instructions here, are that I’m supposed to post something about myself each day, according to the following list of questions.  The idea is to record different parts of my personality for my posterity, and I guess you get to know me better by default. This could potentially be very hilarious, emotional, and/or TMI. Sorry in advance, kiddos! And it’s also suggested that this list would make a fun date night?

BUUUUUT we all know how awesome I am at daily posts on my blog. ha.

laughable.

so I’ma do this in one big she-bam. because I’m in the mood. answers will be kept brief. and future great-grandchildren… y’welcome.

k. here we go.

THE LIST:

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.

  • I hate every kind of cheese. literally. yes.. even the cheese you were just about to ask me if I hate.
  • my first time out of the country ever was going to New Zealand. by myself.
  • I once put $500 worth of damage in a car with my hip, attempting to close the door.
  • I sang my first solo in sacrament meeting when I was 3 years old.
  • I said my first word when I was 5 months old.
  • cold cereal is my favorite snack. and daily breakfast. I feel wrong without it.
  • I can’t waterski to save my life.
  • I got my first kiss in high school over Spring Break in St. George. it was super lame.
  • I once ripped a huge hole in the butt of my jeans while climbing over a fence at a concert.. and I just wore them like that all day. I still have those pants.
  • I hate feet. that includes foot massages. no thank you.
  • I always have lip gloss. Victoria Secret Beauty Rush. always. I even sleep in it.
  • I still play the piano and sing, but growing up I also took lessons for the ukelele and the viola for brief periods of time
  • I once kayaked surrounded a pod of dolphins after snorkeling in a bay in Hawaii.
  • I own over 70 pairs of shoes.
  • the summer after high school, I was a cook at Domino’s Pizza.. and I could even toss the dough up in the air and spread it with my fists, like a pro.
  • I can wiggle my ears and do tricks with my lips, but I can’t, for the life of me, flare my nostrils.
  • my right foot is about a half size smaller than my left foot.
  • I am a closet Disney buff. and I have never been stumped in Disney trivia.
  • I’m fascinated by morbid TV shows like Criminal Minds.
  • I’m only 27.. but I’ve already had 14 jobs since I was 14.

2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

  • SHARKS. I could not be more terrified of them. I don’t know how it developed. I remember having nightmares about them as a child.. but now, as an adult, I have a full-on phobia. I have a panic attack and cry at the shark encounter at Sea World. I have nightmares from just the previews of shark horror movies. I even cried watching a TV show about them with husband in Tonga because I went into a panic attack. I don’t think he fully grasped my true terror before.. but he believes me now, when I say I’m terrified.
  • divorce and/or ending up alone. I think this is common. and this is depressing.. but.. does it really need further explanation? I am so lucky to have parents who are still so in love.. so I’m grateful for the hope that it can actually last.. despite what I see happening so often these days. (p.s. not concerned about my marriage. we’re fine. it’s just always a scary thought.)
  • losing everything.
sheesh. this question is a downer. NEXT.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.

it’s wonderful. I couldn’t ask for better parents. they would do anything for me, and I am so undeserving. I’m a lot like my dad and we like to crack jokes back and forth and tease each other.. and my mom and I tend to have deeper conversations. they are just seriously the best. I’m so blessed.

4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.

woof. where do I start?

  • you will barely even hang out or have contact with your friends from high school when this is over. stop worrying so much about their approval.
  • LOVE yourself. you are okay.. really. comparing yourself to those girls will only make you insecure and hate everything that makes you you.
  • you aren’t going to marry your “high school sweetheart.” you won’t even have a high school sweetheart. none of these boys will even be in your life in 5 years. they aren’t worth your wishes and energy and tears and boy crazy thoughts.
  • this rad little Subaru… will hold lots of memories. and it will teach you about how to deal with old breaking down cars. love her.
  • these are the dates and times of your forthcoming speeding tickets and accidents, and here’s how to avoid them. (this will save you a buttload of cash.)
  • you won’t get asked to prom. please prepare yourself starting now so it doesn’t break your heart later.
  • start working harder now to take care of yourself and be healthy and fit; it will make you feel better about yourself now, and it will make life a whole lot easier for you later.
  • you will bloom after high school. college will be about a million times better for you. you’re one of those people who gets better with age.
  • at your high school, almost all the kids are excellent, driven, and talented. this is a vanilla group where you won’t get a chance to stand out much. this doesn’t fit you very well.. just remember, it doesn’t make you less talented if you don’t make it into a group or organization. don’t lose faith in your talents. you are still special. you are still good. (and don’t bother so much with choir. maybe go for moonlight singers instead.)
  • focus your career preparation, starting now, on art, photography, and design. you already know how much you love those things. you’re good at them. don’t get side-tracked thinking you won’t be able to have a career in them. (you’ll like your Psychology studies, but trust me.. you’ll end up not wanting to work in that field when push comes to shove.) follow your passions.

5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?

  • my husband
  • my camera
  • music
  • the gospel
  • my family

6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

actually… honestly… I think right now may be (at least one of) the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. I must say.. I never thought I’d be 27 and married, but with my husband across the world — not knowing when I’ll see him again, living in my parents basement, with a job that’s falling through — searching hopelessly for solid employment, unable to afford anything — even my bills for the month, and awkwardly stuck in limbo between a single and married social life, with no friends around to hang out with.. feeling pretty alone, with no control over or knowledge of what’s going to happen in the future.

I have to say.. whatever lesson I’m supposed to be learning now.. is a very hard one.

but let’s not turn this into a pity party. woop woop!

7. What is your dream job, and why?

honestly… growing up my whole life, I always wanted to be a superstar singer. that would be my dream come true.

but my other passion is what I’m more actively pursuing… and that is art, photography, and graphic design. if I can get a stable career in that field, I will be one happy camper.

8. What are 5 passions you have?

  • anything artistic/creative – especially: photography, drawing, design, poetry
  • music – the window to my soul
  • the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or rather, the doctrines of the gospel that it teaches me, especially about my relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ
  • dancing – I do it on a daily basis. I can’t help but move when I hear that beat.
  • people – they fascinate me. I love to be around them, to watch them, to draw them, to photograph them, to study their behavior, to be influenced by them, to learn about them.. etc.

9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.

in no particular order…

  • I’ll start with the obvious: my parents. they have shaped me into the person I am. they have been the most stable, driving influence I’ve had in my life. I will be eternally grateful.
  • my grandparents (I realize I’m grouping here. but they can be counted as one.) both sets, on mom’s and dad’s sides are the most extraordinary people that I’ve met.. and they would certainly claim otherwise. but they humbly and quietly and steadfastly go about doing good. they are loving and kind and always looking to serve. they have raised righteous families and created a legacy of humble, hard-working excellence.. and I couldn’t be more lucky to have them.
  • my aunt Tiffany. she is only 9 years older than me, and she was my hero growing up. I worshipped the ground she walked on and hung on her every word. she is like the big sister I never had. I always wanted to be beautiful and awesome like her.
  • my siblings. as a group. each for different reasons. I am extremely close with them.. they are my friends, not just my brothers and sisters (including my new sister-in-law, Kristi). even though they are younger than I am, they consistently teach me with their examples. they are all better than I am.. I have been raised in a family of spiritual giants. I don’t know how I got here. but I am privileged. and especially now, I am more grateful than ever for them. they are my closest friends.
  • my cousin Amberlee. through all of the friends I’ve had in my life, she has been the stable friendship that I grew up with since before either of us can remember. we’ve had more sleepovers at each other’s houses than either of us can count.. she put up with all my crazy over-imaginative antics, and even though we are opposites in personality.. I will always adore her.
  • my best friend Cambria. we grew up around the corner from each other, but she is 2 years older than me, so we never knew we were destined to be best friends until I moved back home from Utah State and we discovered that we were so similar it blew our minds. she helped me learn how to just.. be happy.. even in the face of trouble. she was the one who never turned down a crazy adventure with me. and I can’t even begin to count all of the greatest memories we’ve made together. so epic.
  • my high school best friend, Kathryn. so many good times.. she helped me learn how to take care of myself, how to do my hair and makeup, how to feel pretty.. she opened me up to new experiences in life that taught me and shaped me as a person. she even fostered my love for rap and hip hop. and she made me feel loved and included.. which was exactly what I needed as an insecure teenager.
  • you knew this was coming.. but, of course, my husband, Mote. he is the love of my life.. I had to go all the way to Tonga to find him. (I always loved poly men, but I never thought I’d have to look quite that far.) I can’t believe I found someone so much like me in so many ways.. someone who can be my best friend and my husband at the same time. he makes me feel loved and special and good about myself.. he’s funny and handsome and talented and smart and chill.. he brings out my desire to be better.. and I get to be with him for eternity. suckas!!
  • my favorite mission companion, Audrey (Nonoa). my sista from anotha mista. from day one in the MTC it was a special bond. we went through the ups and downs of our entire missions together, we spent a transfer over Christmas together, and then we finished it off together, the way we started. she is the perfect example of Christlike love and selfless service. I have never met someone more capable of such great love for so many people. she is one of my all-time favorite people ever.
  • I’m gonna do one more group.. this one is my aunts and uncles in general. I have grown up with an extremely close relationship with my extended family. we gathered for weekly Sunday dinners, and I cherish all the time spent with my aunts and uncles, on both sides, during my life. I am the favorite brunt of all their jokes and target of all their teasing.. but I dish it right back to them. (in particular, Danny on Mom’s side and John on Dad’s side.) but I think it is largely attributed to them that I’ve always had such great relationships with adults as I’ve grown up. I will always be so grateful for them.
  • honorable mentions: Andrew McMahon, Zooey Deschanel, Coach Downs, Marjorie Pay Hinckley, Pres and Sis Colton – who should actually be on the list and not just honorable mention, Chris Farley, Ryan Reynolds, Bishop Solt, countless friends, Batman.

10. Describe your most embarrasing moment.

pff. it’s hard for me to pick a “most” embarrassing moment. but one that still brings me to the point of blushing and shutting my eyes when I think about it was thanks for my dear, sweet friend, Cambria. we were at a young single adult regional conference. we went to the treats room to get food and mingle afterwards. I saw a boy I’d had a crush on in high school across the room. I had taken him to the Christmas dance and he was the first boy I’d ever held hands with. I whispered that and pointed him out to Cam as we roamed the room. I avoided him. but a little while later, we made contact and began talking. suddenly, Cam walks up to us and blurts out, “hi first boy that Aubrey ever held hands with!” my jaw dropped and I could have died. right there.. as if I had raved about this experience and never gotten over it since high school and she had been dying to meet him all this time. when in actuality, I had never even mentioned him to her before today. he chuckled and said, “I hope I wasn’t the last..” at this point I was simply gasp-laughing.. mouth still open.. unable to respond out of embarrassment, but she continues with, “oh no. she’s held hands with LOTS of boys since then. not that… she’s a floozy or anything…”
and that’s when I had to cut it off. I had never felt so humiliated. like I’d been ruminating on this high school crush all these years and still held on to a few seconds of hand-holding like it was the greatest moment of my life. I pretty much felt like driving straight to a cave and moving in.
such a special day!

okay. so I lied. this thing is WAY too much to tackle in one post. just those 10 questions were exhausting. I think I’ll break this up into 3. so here’s 10. now it’s bedtime.

nighty night boys and girls.

here’s a sneak preview of the questions still to come.

to be continued… 

11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.

12. Describe a typical day in your current life.

13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.

14. Describe 5 strengths you have.

15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?

16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?

17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?

18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?

19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?

20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.

21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?

22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?

23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.

24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.

25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?

26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?

27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?

28. What is your love language?

29. What do you think people misundertand most about you?

30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.

letters

I need to say some things to some people that I can’t actually say to them in real life. please bear with me while I use my blog as a nameless release into the interweb for a minute. things are about to get real personal.

Dear Ex-Best Guy Friend,

Today I found out you are married. This hurts me for two reasons: 1. I had to find out by Facebook stalking after you deleted me, and not even from you. 2. You know how I feel about your significant other and the rashness of your decisions regarding her. She does not make you your best self — she has been the cause of all of your worst decisions.
We used to be best friends and you cut me out of your life without notice and without a word of goodbye.. a magic disappearing act that has stung more than you’ll ever know. Today I missed you more than usual when I said, “pics or it didn’t happen,” to someone.  I almost texted you, and then I remembered, and I wished things were different. I know you are trying to do the right thing, but I guess you have helped reaffirm the last thing I said to you in our last conversation — the thing that perturbed you and turns out to be true. How ironically self-fulfilling life turns out to be.

Miss you — the guy that wrote me a 6-page illustrated goodbye letter 4 years ago.. and who sent me daily pictures of all his gourmet meals.. and taught me about noods.. and listened and cared better than anyone else about the little things that made up my day.. and who made me laugh harder than anyone.

Love always,
Aubrey

Dear Douche Nozzle,

It’s now been a week since we’ve spoken. The last thing you said to me was, “I don’t care if we talk or not, Aubrey.” So we aren’t.. and we won’t be. I was THIS close to writing you back a response so sarcastic it would have singed your eyebrows, but I decided to be the bigger person and I left it there. I don’t know if you saw me today when I got gas and didn’t go in, but if you did, I hope that solidified my resolve from your point of view. It blows my mind that someone could be so insensitive and selfish as you have been. I still don’t understand why you tried so hard to incorporate me into your life and make me your friend after such a frustrating beginning. I liked you. A lot. I fit the lyric, “my memory is cruel, I’m queen of attention to details, defending intentions if he fails,” perfectly. I gave you the benefit of the doubt and second and third and sixth chances. Ultimately, your flakiness and disregard spoke louder than all your words ever did. Everyone else in my life could see it clearly all along, while I knew it in my head, but didn’t want it to be true.
The irony of you saying I acted like a little girl is completely lost on you.. because you and your friends are some of the most immature I have ever met.. (and I served a mission surrounded by 19 year-old guys.)
Sometimes it’s hard for me to cut people out of my life.. but you finally pushed it to the point of easy. Now tell me.. does it bother you that your best friend texts me like it’s going out of style?

Oh so sincerely,
Aubrey

Dear Latin Lover,

If anyone has ever fit the description “love at first sight” for me, it would probably be you. I remember the moment I first saw you, I felt like I needed someone to assist me in removing my jaw from the floor and putting it back in my face before my condition became permanent. I couldn’t tear my eyes away. It’s now been about 3.5 years since that moment.. and after great years of friendship.. something has changed for me, and I have to tell you: I think I love you as more than a friend.
There, I said it.
I love your charm and your wit and your intelligence and the way you care about me. I love your family. I love your testimony and your strength as the only member of the church. I love your sense of humor and your adorable little accent. I love the way you make me feel when I’m with you. I love that I’m proud to introduce you to anybody I know and be confident that they’ll like you. I love the way you randomly call me when I need it the most and listen to me sob into the phone.. or the way you call me when you’re down because you know I’ll cheer you up. I love it when you ask me to sing medleys for you. I love when you speak to me in Spanish. I love dancing with you. I love the way we are together.
But despite all this, you confuse me. Whenever we’re together you act like we’re together… there is no semblance of personal space and everyone thinks we’re dating.. yet nothing ever happens. Last time I saw you I was almost sure you were gonna kiss me, but you held me so close for so long and then walked out the door, looking back at me and smiling your big perfect smile at me as you walked down my front steps. I closed the door and melted into a puddle of happiness and wishes and frustration.
I know you could have any girl you want, and that intimidates me.. yet you don’t seem to do much about it except be pursued without actually turning anything into a legitimate relationship.
I don’t want to be heartbroken if you end up with somebody else and I spend my whole life wondering, “what if..?” But I’m scared. I’m scared to pour my heart out into a very breakable glass for you, and find out you’re not thirsty. I’m scared our current comfortable relationship could be different. I’m scared you will give me excuses. I’m scared because I don’t know how you feel.
Part of me wishes you’ll stumble across this and know it’s you and make a move, but I’m not holding my breath.
Tal vez un dia te lo dire..

Aubrey

I think so, Brain, but we’re already naked

you know how sometimes you encounter someone who is SO witty and SO brilliant that you’re like, “hm.. I’m never gonna speak again.. or type a single letter on that blog. it’s over. from now on, only cute pictures of animals with cutesy sayings on them that make people want to snuggle and then throw up from so much cute fur and hearts and cute stuff.”

but then you’re like, “NO! I WILL NOT BE SILENCED BY YOUR BRILLIANT FUNNY WRITING THAT MAKES ME LOOK INCOMPETENT! I WILL CONTINUE TO BARRAGE THE INTERNET WITH MY WORDS AND OPINION AND COOL LIFE STORIES LIKE EVERYBODY CARES ABOUT ME ME ME!!!! BECAUSE THEY DO! BECAUSE I AM THE CENTER OF THE WORLD!!!! I WILL BE HEARRRRRRD!”

no?
oh. my doctor said it was really common.

three youtube posts in a row? whaaaat?

well, it’s my hot body, I do what I want.

where’s the DeLorean?

it’s been a strange week.

just to keep things spicy… in the past few days, I have been contacted by 4 specific and significant guys in my life.. and I know you wanna hear about them. here we go.

the first is funny. it is one of my best friends. he is married, but he talks to me almost daily. it’s a strange relationship, but it isn’t inappropriate. we don’t have romantic feelings, and we don’t cross boundaries.

here is an exerpt from a convo we had tonight, in fact. we are talking about the strangeness of our relationship:

him: you’re my bffbf.

me: bfffbf? what does that stand for?

him: Glad u asked
Best friend forever facebook friend

me: haha!!
oh mylanta. this honor can never be comprehended

him: “Surpassed” is the word you were looking for.
So when you’re talking about me you can say ” my bfffbf ____….”  Cuz u talk about me to everyone.

me: obvi.
my bfffbf. I hope I don’t get tongue tied just saying it

him: And yes. Our relationship may be weird, but it’s freaking awesome.
It’s weird to outsiders

me: yes it is
to both of those comments

him: Cuz I’m hitched. But the great part is… my wife is like, “Aubrey thinks you’re retarded so I’m not even worried. U could be alone on a desert island and I wouldn’t care”

me: HAHAHAHAHA
hahahahahahahahaha
did she actually say that?
please say yes

him: Yeah.
Nobody else has that privilege. FYI

me: hahahahahahahahaha
I am literally cracking up right now

him: Except for maybe Bette Midler
Cuz she’s old

me: I don’t know whether to be insulted or flattered

him: Flattered. I’d go with that

me: Bette Midler?!?

him: Lol
I dunno. First name that came to mind
Which is strange, cuz I hate the view. Worst tv ever.

me: that is insulting to be compared to her
on a scale of attractiveness
or concern from a wife’s perspective

him: Hahaha
Forget it.
How about. Betty White.
Sandra Bullock.
Cuz they’re the same. lol.

me: “You are about as threatening to be trapped on an island with my husband as Bette Midler is. enjoy your hideousness.”
ahem.
that’s only a snippet of the conversation. but you get the idea.
the next comes in the form of my on-and-off long distance whatever for the past 7.5 or 8 years. (wanna talk about weird/complicated relationships? don’t even get me started on this one.) after months of not-speaking after his c-r-a-z-y girlfriend went ballistic on him for talking to me.. (seriously. she’s psycho.) he contacted me today. he misses me. she still sees me as a threat. but ultimately the situation has not changed.
(at least I’m not Bette Midler status with SOMEbody.)

thirdly.. I happened to decide to watch “P.S. I Love You” on Sunday night. it matched my mood. watching Irish or Englishmen on tv always makes me think about my first love. he is half English, half Irish. Monday, guess who contacted me via MSN messenger.. also after months of not speaking? he has a serious girlfriend these days, but we are friends and it’s nice to catch up occasionally. but the timing was ironic at best. how does that happen?

the fourth is one of my very best friends. this one is purely for your entertainment. he has been previously featured on Tidbits from Aubrey’s Text Messages.” our conversations should almost always be broadcast. they occur daily and they are amazing. today, this happened, as we were talking about comfortable states of being:

me: I wish I could just wear a towel all day everyday. that’s my favorite way to be dressed. I stay in a towel as long as possible everyday.

him: I can’t tie it so it stays.

me: I usually use my armpit to hold it.

him: And unders?

me: Nah. Defeats the purpose. Might as well just wear unders.

him: Good point. I don’t really wear just a towel. Too many dudes around.

Are you still be-toweled?

me: No cuz I’m about to go to work. I’m half-dressed now.

him: I was going to ask what kind of things do you do in a towel? You couldn’t do anything too active, or you know…nudity.

me: Not strenuous things.. but I think that’s part of the comfort.

*about 7 hours later*

him: I’m trying the towel only strategy. Going well so far.

me: Bahaha. I love that you are trying it. Isn’t it divine?

him: It’s pretty sweet. But now I’m just chilling in my room because I can’t really go outside.

me: True. That’s kind of nice though.

him: So I’m just supposed to, like hang out and enjoy? Text people? Read things?

me: Yeah. Watch movies. Play online. Have a solo dance party. Do your thing.

him: Word.

that just happened.
…what is my life??!
normal relationships are out of my reach. that concept is beyond me.

For B

My cute friend, Miss Shelby, has been requesting a blog post for quite some time about “why I went on a mission.” I have been neglecting her request, partially due to lack of time, and partially because it is such a deep, large, personally enveloping story that it is a little bit hard to know how in depth to go with it on a public, available for all to see, site. The nature of personal spiritual experiences is sacred, and just that — personal. But today I received some news that has shaken me and caused my heart to ache for that mission I hold so dear.. because of the people I grew to love.

It’s something I think about and miss to some degree every single day of my life. It changed my everything. It solidified my testimony of my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ, and the fact that they have restored their church and their Gospel to this earth again today. It helped me understand the big picture.. an understanding that all too often slips away from me now, having been home almost 2 years (in December. weird.) I didn’t know it before I went, but I was going for so many reasons.. I was going for the people, I was going to build the kingdom, I was going to acquire new skills, I was going for my family and friends, I was going to learn about the world, I was going to prepare for the future, but most of all I think I was going to change. And a huge part of that change came about due to the amazing people I met throughout that 19 month period. These are people I will never allow to leave my heart. I hold them so dear. One of them emailed me tonight with some incredibly hard news. One of the young teenage daughters of one of my favorite member families has been diagnosed with cancer. When I heard the news tonight at work, I broke down in silent tears, and they kept flowing on the drive home. My heart is heavy for this wonderful family. They are rock solid examples of faith and generosity and optimism in the face of adversity. I hope you, my readers, will keep them in your prayers as they go through what may be some of the hardest experiences they ever face.

And this grave news has caused me some reflection, as situations like this often do. I think that’s part of the reason God puts them in front of us.. because it humbles us, and it forces us to remember. I feel sheepish every time it reoccurs.

And so in honor of this wonderful family and the way I came to know them, here you go, Shelb:

It was October 19, 2006 when I got the answer that changed my life foreva eva. Oh my goodness. That was 4 years ago today. Now it’s 1:30am on the 20th, but I didn’t even realize that correlation until now. Coincidence?
Negatron.
My brother had just left on his mission to Brazil on October 10th and I had met with the bishop the Sunday prior to get some counsel regarding my life. I graduated from the U the following spring and I had recently been feeling I was coming to a crossroads in my life. I basically figured I had 3 options: Go to grad school, go on a mission, or work and travel and play. The bishop told me I needed to figure out if a mission was logistically plausible and suggested I have my dad give me a blessing of counsel. I asked him for one that day, but we were busy. The following day my brother was being set apart since he was flying out Tuesday to go to the Missionary Training Center in Brazil. The stake presidency came to our house that night and my brother received a beautiful blessing that brought tears to everybody’s eyes. When they left, my family and my grandparents sat around the kitchen table discussing my brother and missions. My brother read his patriarchal blessing aloud and then each of us ended up reading ours as well. As I started to read mine, answers from long sessions of prayer and scripture study began to wash over me.. feelings of peace and love overwhelmed me and I had to choke back tears to hide it from everyone else. As I progressed further into the blessing it discussed spreading the Gospel and that I would take part in spreading it in ways that the Lord would make known to me. (that’s a small paraphrase of the basic idea) my grandma’s immediate reaction was, *gasp* “a mission!” I thought that was interesting considering that she didn’t know my recent thoughts, coupled with her consistent example of faith and being in tune with the spirit. Later that night, my dad gave Clarke (my brother) a father’s blessing. It was also incredible and a little more personal to him and it brought me to tears again because, up to that point, I’d been having a really hard time with him leaving. We are very close and I felt like I was losing a best friend. During that blessing I was filled with comfort, and after that I just felt excitement and happiness for him for this grand adventure he was about to have. The next day when we took him to the airport, I watched him walk away and felt excited about and almost a little jealous of what lay ahead of him.

But back to Monday night.. then came my turn. My dad gave me the blessing I’d asked for, and it was the most powerful blessing I have ever had. The Spirit was so strong it was almost tangible. Every word that came out of his mouth was an answer to my personal prayers — things my dad could never have known were weighing heavy on my mind and heart. Again he talked about Heavenly Father’s enormous love for me and I felt surrounded by love and peace, but also very exposed and humble. Heavenly Father knows me inside and out. He knows every nook and cranny; every subtlety. I became very aware that He is completely mindful of me, despite my insignificance and my headstrong rebellion. My dad went on to talk about the direction my life should take. Up until this time, I had thought it might be one of those situations where I had several good options before me and Heavenly Father would be fine with whatever I decided to do. However, my dad said in the blessing that there is one specific thing I was supposed to be doing and that God had a specific purpose and plan for me at that time. This, in and of itself, was a tremendous help and comfort. My dad said he wished he could tell me at that time what it was, but that Heavenly Father wanted me to study it out in my mind like it says in the Doctrine and Covenants, and to go to Him in humble prayer.

Just then I had the distinct impression and image of Heavenly Father as my father — not just God. I’ve never felt that so strongly before, and I felt even more humbled at the time, getting a glimpse of just how glorious He is and just how lowly and small I am. My dad told me the answer would be coming quickly and that I would not have to wait long for it, as time was of the essence. Immediately following the blessing, my dad said that he had the distinct impression that it was really only one of two choices: mission or grad school.
Boom. I probably would have opted to stay and work and travel to Europe and explore life if it was up to me.. but the Lord knows me better than I do.

For the next week, I prayed and thought and talked it out and prayed and thought some more. I felt mixed feelings when I thought about a mission because I knew what a sacrifice it would be to leave everything behind and go to some random place to work my butt off. I was under no illusion that it would be easy. I also considered the financial and emotional strain on my parents. I didn’t want to leave normal music and clothes and friends and dating and all of my mundane little me-world things behind.. but I also thought that not being willing to give that up for awhile to serve the Lord would be selfish of me, and despite all the hesitations, I felt like the lifelong blessings that would result from it would far outweigh the drawbacks, and make it all worth it. I loved the idea of attaining that higher level of spirituality, and how could I not want to go out and share this beautiful Gospel with others who don’t have it in their lives?

Conversely, when I thought about grad school, I had zero positive feelings. That could have been because the prospect of more school sounded about as appealing as gnawing my arms off at that point, or it could have been guidance from the Spirit. Maybe both.

I continued to wrestle with the idea, coming back multiple times to a feeling I had had maybe a year prior that I should serve a mission, though at that point it wasn’t the right time yet. I thought about the scripture in D&C 6:22-23 that says, “cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart… did I not speak peace to your mind concerning this matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?” I wondered if God had already given me my answer, so I decided after much prayer and deliberation that I would move forward in the direction of a mission and let the Lord either confirm it or say no.

October 19th rolled around and I went to my institute class with Brother Keaton, a dear family friend. He had us sit on the floor with our eyes closed. He turned off the lights and turned on a piano arrangement of “I Know That My Redeemer Lives” while he read the account in the Book of Mormon from 3 Nephi 11 of Christ coming to the Americas after his Resurrection. It was powerful. Suddenly I felt a tingly feeling in my chest that manifested to me that the Lord loves me more than I can comprehend and that I was supposed to serve a mission. It slapped me in the face.
(I should also mention that I have been sitting here listening to a mix of music from my mission throughout the composition of this post and “ironically” “I Know That My Redeemer Lives” started playing as I wrote this section of the story. This just gets better.)

I went home and told my mom I was going on a mission. That night, I went to my home stake institute class. I know it’s a lot of institute in one day, but I needed spiritual guidance. Guess what the lesson was on?
Yeah. Missionary work. I felt like I was being kicked in the face at this point.. like, “Hello. Can I make this any more clear? You are supposed to go.” One scripture in particular was poignant, D&C 31:3 “Life up your heart and rejoice, for the hour of your mission is come: and your tongue shall be loosed, and you shall declare glad tidings of great joy to this generation.”

Got it. I can take a hint.

From there it all fell into place. I entered the MTC to prepare for service in the Florida Tampa Mission on May 23 of 2007 and never looked back.

I don’t know if anyone will even care to read this post, since it’s turned out to be so long.. but if it helps someone, then I’m happy. I know I needed to talk about it tonight. I can never doubt the reality of the answer I got that I needed to serve a mission, and the multiple confirmations throughout that year and a half that I was in the right place, learning the right language, with the right people.

If you are unfamiliar with many of the terms/phraseology I’ve used in this post (because it’s definitely weird if you haven’t been Mormon culture-ified), check out http://www.mormon.org or ask me. I’ll explain.

The church is true, folks.

It really is true.

stick this in your pants and shake it

ohmygash.

did I seriously go the entire month of september without posting a single thing?

I am a joke of a blogger.

ahem. I missed so much ish I don’t even know where to begin. let’s just say… that I had the craziest 48 hours of my life on a road trip to L.A. to see SoCo yet again the weekend after I saw them in SLC.. and that was so boss. during which time Cam and I bonded with our new adorable roommate, Natalie. we picked her up when the stork dropped her on our porch from the lovely state of Washington.. and we couldn’t be happier about our newest addition.



So then.. it was Labor Day. and that called for a trip to Angie’s cabin at Bear Lake. ahhh yeaahyuh. it was a perfect (and perfectly confusing) little weekend getaway, getting into all sorts of shenanigans. here’s Abe and I on the deck (being rihtards) overlooking the lake:

following which.. more madness ensued. I’ve been going on a slew of dates lately.. so that’s cool. but it also means I neglect things like blogs, etc. funny how when you have a life you don’t have time to talk about it, eh?

anyway, the most recent exciting news to share comes in the form of conference weekend this past Fri-Sun. for those who don’t know what I’m talking about, this is LDS General Conference. it happens twice a year and those two weekends probably win my favorite weekends out of the whole year. I get so excited and happy and filled from the outpouring of the Spirit and revelation through inspired church leaders.

and I think I should have known by now, but I didn’t even think about the fact that I just needed to reserve the whole weekend for mission reunion activities. Friday night was my official mission reunion, the first one with the mission president and his wife actually being released and able to attend. it was the BEST! but the most overwhelming and fabulous part was when my favorite companion from New Zealand (you might remember her from this post), Audrey Nonoa, decided to show up and surprise me. I literally about had a brain aneurism and screamed and jumped on her little 5’2″ frame. here’s us with the gorgeous Kristi Jensen.. another fave from the mission:

she stayed with me that night and we hung out with mission people throughout the weekend. the only thing that threw a big wrench into our fun was the fact that I had to work an extra Saturday in order to get certified to teach CPR to my students, so I had to drop her off at a friend’s after 3 hours of sleep, and go to work for a few hours. L to the ame. this is one of the funniest photos that’s passed through my phone in awhile. we were laying in bed at like 7am when I had to get up, and I took a photo of us, but forgot that my flash is so bright that it scorches retinas to the lowest level. this is the result:

hahahaha. it’s ok.. you can laugh… we are gorgeous.

then we went to lunch at Abe’s house and that night, as well as the night before post-reunion, went to a dance that was pretty much straight Polynesians. I was pretty sure I had graduated to the seventh level of heaven. but I was one of like 3 white people there. sweet. it was a blast, though. then we hit up conference downtown and had to go into the overflow theater in the conference center. still wonderful, and we happened to sit next to a member family visiting Utah from our mission. what a “coincidence!” here’s a blurry us sitting in the theater:

all in all.. my life is good. good things are happening along with the lame.

this is me highlighting it. yeah baby, yeah!