when it hurts

people don’t know how to handle this…

I think they care,

or they’re just curious…

but they’re helpless.

just like me.

I don’t know what I’m doing…

I don’t know how/when this is going to work out and be resolved.

I am walking — charging — forward in darkness…

my only light as I stumble is constituted of hope slivers, peeking through heavy gray and black skies…

maybe that’s why God gave us stars..

so that amidst a massive darkened sky, we could see shining pieces of something bigger than us…

to remind us that we’re not alone in a shut-off world.. but rather, part of an organized universe.

we are small and helpless… but hope is not lost, if we will be patient.

there is something more than us, and someone who is everything who planned it.

that’s why things have a way of always working out…

and almost always are they contrary to our own plans… but better than we imagined.

and even if they don’t feel better at the time… they make us better in the end.

coincidence is a foolish notion.

choices and divinity are not.

we are set on a forever course.

we only have to choose how we want to run it, and where we want to go.

these are the things I remind myself…

this time, this separation, this solitude,

this aching

is only a moment in eternity.

this is temporary.

my problem is,

temporary feels like eternity.

as for now…

I don’t know how to cope with the long nights alone… with the tears in sheets…

with desperate hopeful messages that bring some fleeting respite…

only to make wishes more poignant and missing you more painful.

I don’t know how to handle the nightmares,

I don’t know how to deal with the uncertainty of, “when will I see you again?”

and I’m tired of the same questions from well-meaning mouths, reminding me over and over…

that I don’t have the answer.

and the faces of horror and pity,

and the exclamations

that it is so hard… and it sucks so bad…

and that they don’t know how they would do it,

and that they don’t know how I do it.

I don’t either.

but the worst are those who ask why I did it this way… why I didn’t just find someone here,

as if I could go to the store and choose it.

I feel the good intentions and the love and concern,

and I’m grateful,

but the reminders are hard to take.

it’s a strange feeling to be part of a two, but be living as a one.

it’s a new kind of empty loneliness..

it’s as if part of me is not there,

and I’m not sure how to feel whole.

I am surrounded by others who are bathed in a new excitement that comes with togetherness,

and I am overjoyed for them.

and I know I have a commonality,

yet nothing to hold on to.

I’ve done everything in my power…

but I am still powerless to change this, or to speed up time.

my future is resting in someone else’s hands…

and all I can do is watch and wait.

if I ever thought I knew anything about patience or helplessness,

I was mistaken.

this is hard,

and the nights are the hardest.

but I’m holding on.

I didn’t know I could miss someone so deeply,

from the parts inside my soul that were reserved only for me,

until you.

so when it hurts,

and those deep places are aching,

I close my eyes and try to remember, again,

now is temporary,

I have you for eternity.

and I say a prayer,

swallow through the pain,

turn up the corners of my lips,

and just try to breathe.

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The Truth About Happily Ever After

The truth about happily ever after
is the part you forgot to include
in all your make believe moments.
Sometimes Ken’s job isn’t awesome
and Barbie’s love handles hang over her jeans
while they bicker about nothing
because Barbie has PMS
and Ken’s got his grouch on.

Sometimes you look at what’s standing in the way of “us,”
and you want to cry a little
because happily ever after’s gonna be hard.
and you know you “knew” that,
but no one really knows that
until it’s breathing in their face.
And it’s still the perfection you saw
from far away and way back when,
but up close you can see
the cracks
and holes
and tears
and gaps
that a distant view didn’t prepare you for.

And you find out you’re not actually a Disney princess,
but you’re his princess.
And it’s worth it.

The fairy tale is that he’s the only one
who can make your heart hit your lips when you see him,
and when he says, “Babe! Love you more!”
you feel like your smile is pulsing through your entire body
and nothing could ever make you sad again
as long as he’s there.

It’s that moment when you start to panic
when you haven’t heard from him
after a fight
and you realize you’d be an empty shell
with a discarded shredded heart
if you lost him
and then he calls,
and you’re so happy, you cry.

It’s when you realize he’s giving up his whole world
just to be with you,
and it hits you that you’re ready to do the same
just to be with him.
It’s when you picture every tomorrow
with him in it–
even old, fat, wrinkled, and beyond.

It’s that, even when you argue,
you always say, “I love you”
before goodbye or goodnight.
And missing him makes it hard to breathe.
And he makes you laugh till your face hurts,
and you do the same.
And you know you’re #1 in his world.

That’s the fairy tale…
happily ever after is messy and complicated…
but it’s supposed to be,
because all the best things in life
require sacrificing the easy way
for the way that’s worth it.

And you’ve decided..
it’s worth it.

so here’s a sappy love song.

Bats. Real ones.

I tried to upload a video from my phone of the time, two days ago, when I watched 1.5 million bats fly out from under the Congress Street Bridge in Austin. but apparently the video is the wrong format. and I don’t want to upgrade to costly wordpress instead of free wordpress. (–>cheap<–)

I also considered just leaving this blog post blank..
because the title is kind of enough.

but I’ve been seeing and reading and laughing and thinking.. so here are some thinks.

I h.a.t.e. it when M’s internet is down. it’s been 3.5 days now. it makes me feel like I’m walking through a pool about waist-deep because everything feels harder and like it’s in slow-motion. Missing someone makes you realize that he is essential to your well-being. my phone battery is going dead everyday from my constant and hopeful checking of messages.

Austin is lovely. I was up to my earlobes in unique and pretty treasures that I wanted and needed just by perusing two amazing Congress Street shops. and I found my best friend’s wedding gift.

today I took a tour of the river in San Antonio via riverboat. the entire time a 4 year-old boy named Danny had a kicking war with me and then moved on to a finger war and then a hand-stacking war. it was one of the greatest times I’ve had all month. he had a faux hawk all the way down the back. I told him he is mi nuevo novio. his mother scolded him in Spanish the entire ride. his parents wanted me to keep him.

^those photos counted as thoughts ^ 

I went to the most expensive restaurant I’ve been to since we came to Texas tonight, and it was ironically the worst experience I’ve had in a restaurant since we’ve been here. but thank you for my $13 appetizer that was a bed of spinach leaves and 4 thumb-sized slices of pan-seared tuna. and your guac was good. won’t be back.

there is now a Justin Bieber poster hanging in my room at the foot of Lisa’s bed. I never thought that would happen to me in my life. but Ryan Reynolds is also there to diffuse the situation.

today I read a poem that goes like this:

On Art

I don’t think art

is so much a tribute to beauty

as it is a good reminder

that we don’t have to be so boring

-Dallin Bruun

I never want to be boring.

Cars 2. yes. made me miss my friends.

I also miss my dog, Shandi, because she is cute and the sweetest dog in the world. she turns 8 on Monday. my sister suggested we baptize her.

today I emailed Dan Dan the Volvo man about where my oil pan is when it ought to be in my vehicle. he sent me bad news but then quickly followed up with good news and I hope it arrives by Monday. my Volvo (M named it the Go-Getta) has been sitting at the curb in front of the apartment for weeks looking wistful and lonely. and walking to work on humid mornings makes me feel like a sweaty monkey.

I recently had my first paid design job for a little icon within an iPhone app called Calvetica. my icon is an absolutely minimal contribution, but it made me feel official. I am a graphic designer after 1 semester of school.

and I never shared my great news.. I got a departmental tuition waiver from my school for the whole upcoming school year! a.k.a. they are paying for me to go to school. it took much effort and turning in an essay on the day of my kidney stone surgery as I almost threw up in the line and then a portfolio review with several professors at a very long table and it made me feel naked as they passed around my artwork and asked me questions…. so that phone call telling me I got the waiver was magical. the timing of this waiver is also magical, given upcoming immigration expenses for M in my life.

I hated the movie “Waiting for Forever.”

did I mention I miss M? 😦

okay… no more thinks right now.

goodnight, moon.

dream cinema

my, my… how original…

how new and fresh…

a single twenty-something with degree and career and mission under belt,
changing old for new,
desperately reaching out for satisfaction’s hand
and finding exhaled ashes of ideal.
every step bringing surety of solidarity;
each person, a new reason to close.

half-drowned with repeats of shallow ponds
with sweet poisoned waters,
and no air in sight.
a total lack thereof looks ok after that,
because no breath is better than used heavy breaths.

swallowing the lump and smiling at everyone-
nobody wants extra weight.
can’t even trust a best friend to not abandon ship
without a word of goodbye.
numbed with little bruises
and too tired to think that exists anymore.

my 100th

this is my 100th post. (and my life has been so overwhelming lately that I’ve not done it for weeks) so I guess it’s only appropriate that I feel like I’m going to bust open from too many thoughts and feelings fighting each other.. maybe there will be confetti when that moment hits, eh?

I don’t know why I’m awake,
but I know I feel a bit lost.
there are formulas and guidelines and commandments for story book endings that I’ve been given since birth
by do-gooders on all sides…
but they are faulty in failing to take into account
emotion and compatibility
and attraction
and chemistry.
how am I to factor that in
(to a formula of perfection)
when it will only mess up the ending
by eternal degrees?

where do I put my weakness in this equation,
or the irresistible mutual pull that’s proving so hard to resist?
this is up to me,
with my maturity faltering,
to live up to the knowledge bar
and slap on perspective so easily lost.
there are no beer goggles to remove here,
only feelings to bury.
to wish change like this
is the most futile wish
with the most desperate hope
and the most miserable consequences.

so I blink it away
and give life my hard smile.

happy 100!!
…to me!

hard love is a threat

sometimes…
a bubble of emotion for someone.. people.. caring..
builds up inside me
so intensely
that I don’t know how to cope,
express or release
or implode.

when 7 years of knowing
and best friending
and sharing soul secrets
and nightly phone calls
and unspoken connection
-sometimes spoken-  …perhaps often spoken
and the if-single-marry-at-30 pact
and being a confidant, therapist, and comedy routine audience
and exchanging advice
and growing up
and laughing
are nothing…
because she “sees me as a threat,”
it hurts my heart.

I do my best not to harbor hate,
but I can’t be held responsible
if she suddenly gets picked off.
I wish you could see
that she strips of you of logic
and makes you an abused idiot.
you, even my 4 years past first Facebook friend,
now deleted… twice… by her jealous fingers.
my constant since college freshman year,
now a rarity.

oh so much beef,
… so little ink.

the bottom line:
missing one much loved
who seems to have forgotten
that he hates that his leash doesn’t stretch this long
anymore.

I love too hard.

“I’m finally numb, so please don’t get me rescued.” – Jack’s Mannequin

I’m sorry
that you don’t believe me.
there’s no such frustration
as that of suspicious disbelief
when it’s truth.
so I compensated
with stupid weak submission.
I was tired. vulnerable. emotional.
and I felt sick.
but you knew.
when I say it feels wrong
it’s not because there’s another.
it’s simple confirmation.
it’s honesty.

I’m sorry
that I hurt you.
that you chose the fast fall
when your landing
was a question mark.
and I care,
and I’m guilty,
but I’m right.

I’m sorry
that you looked at me
like your heart fabric was tearing
whenever I caught your eye,
that you spent this time in misery
from premature confrontation,
for the constant exposure
after the burn,
that I couldn’t force it,
and that the flowers will come soon.

and I’m sorry
to know of animosity
and hard sad feelings…
but I have nothing further to add.
awash with relief
at the drop-off.
but I wish there was a painless way
to do this kind of thing.
because the thought of you
makes me cringe with frustrated sympathy.
not to quote you, sir,
but “thanks for everything.”