when it hurts

people don’t know how to handle this…

I think they care,

or they’re just curious…

but they’re helpless.

just like me.

I don’t know what I’m doing…

I don’t know how/when this is going to work out and be resolved.

I am walking — charging — forward in darkness…

my only light as I stumble is constituted of hope slivers, peeking through heavy gray and black skies…

maybe that’s why God gave us stars..

so that amidst a massive darkened sky, we could see shining pieces of something bigger than us…

to remind us that we’re not alone in a shut-off world.. but rather, part of an organized universe.

we are small and helpless… but hope is not lost, if we will be patient.

there is something more than us, and someone who is everything who planned it.

that’s why things have a way of always working out…

and almost always are they contrary to our own plans… but better than we imagined.

and even if they don’t feel better at the time… they make us better in the end.

coincidence is a foolish notion.

choices and divinity are not.

we are set on a forever course.

we only have to choose how we want to run it, and where we want to go.

these are the things I remind myself…

this time, this separation, this solitude,

this aching

is only a moment in eternity.

this is temporary.

my problem is,

temporary feels like eternity.

as for now…

I don’t know how to cope with the long nights alone… with the tears in sheets…

with desperate hopeful messages that bring some fleeting respite…

only to make wishes more poignant and missing you more painful.

I don’t know how to handle the nightmares,

I don’t know how to deal with the uncertainty of, “when will I see you again?”

and I’m tired of the same questions from well-meaning mouths, reminding me over and over…

that I don’t have the answer.

and the faces of horror and pity,

and the exclamations

that it is so hard… and it sucks so bad…

and that they don’t know how they would do it,

and that they don’t know how I do it.

I don’t either.

but the worst are those who ask why I did it this way… why I didn’t just find someone here,

as if I could go to the store and choose it.

I feel the good intentions and the love and concern,

and I’m grateful,

but the reminders are hard to take.

it’s a strange feeling to be part of a two, but be living as a one.

it’s a new kind of empty loneliness..

it’s as if part of me is not there,

and I’m not sure how to feel whole.

I am surrounded by others who are bathed in a new excitement that comes with togetherness,

and I am overjoyed for them.

and I know I have a commonality,

yet nothing to hold on to.

I’ve done everything in my power…

but I am still powerless to change this, or to speed up time.

my future is resting in someone else’s hands…

and all I can do is watch and wait.

if I ever thought I knew anything about patience or helplessness,

I was mistaken.

this is hard,

and the nights are the hardest.

but I’m holding on.

I didn’t know I could miss someone so deeply,

from the parts inside my soul that were reserved only for me,

until you.

so when it hurts,

and those deep places are aching,

I close my eyes and try to remember, again,

now is temporary,

I have you for eternity.

and I say a prayer,

swallow through the pain,

turn up the corners of my lips,

and just try to breathe.

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3 thoughts on “when it hurts

  1. Love your guts. Your constantly in my thoughts and only hoping for the best for you. “This too shall pass…”

  2. When I was making choices about the people I would date and sometimes they were bad I would often think of my great grandparents. They found the gospel.in England and then fell in love. They knew they wanted to gather with the saints in Utah and they decided they wouldn’t marry anywhere but the temple. They had no idea what that meant as far as time goes and once you fall in love its really hard to wait to get married much less stay worthy to marry in the temple. They both saves up enough money to send one of them to the States. Him promising he would send for her when he earned enough money. All her friends said she was crazy and that she would never see him or her hard earned money again. But she knew him and loved him and knew they would be together again. I’m not sure the exact timeliness maybe months or a year or more but he did send for her and very soon after they were married in the salt lake temple. Whenever I considered my choices in where and who I married I thought of them and knew I had to sacrifice little compared to them and the only choice was to be married in the temple. They didn’t just choose the gospel and the temple for themselves but for their children and their grandchildren and their great grandchildren. So I was married to the best person I know in the temple that my great grandparents from England were married in and I never forgot their sacrifice. You are laying the same foundation for your posterity and you will always be grateful for your sacrifices even into the eternities

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