What Heroes Do When They Go To Target

My co-worker sent me this amazing email today that I had to share with you, Internets. laugh with me:
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs.Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 4: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned  station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the  children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’  EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 12: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

And last, but not least:

15. October 30: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

Please do not bring him in the store again.

Thank you for your time,
Target Management Team

This man is my hero.

The end.

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unstoppable dating dysfunction

who lets me out of the house to interact with the opposite sex? it shouldn’t happen. I know you’ll be entertained by this, so the following are examples of why:

I work with this ADORABLE old Australian man in his 70’s. he rolls around in a Jazzy chair like a stallion. I would recommend everybody talk to him at some point in their lives, because, not only is he wise, but he is friggen funny. he gets away with the old person right of saying whatever he wants whenever he wants and everybody just laughs like it’s awesome and fine.
anyway, last week at work I wore a dress that was fairly hourglassy. (a.k.a. it formed to the curves, but I’m not talking spandex.) and I get hit on by students a lot at my job.. which is a drawback to being around the same age as many of the students that go there. well, Gordon tells me that a student stood watching me with his mouth open as I walked away down the hall.. to the point that he RAN INTO GORDON in his Jazzy wheelchair in an otherwise empty hallway!! in case you didn’t get that, he RAN INTO AN OLD MAN IN A WHEELCHAIR. if I was into gaming terms, this is where I would throw in a “facepalm.”

exhibit b comes in the form of a guy who was doing everything mostly right. the scene unfolds with me innocently filling up my car with gasolina before work. I was running a tid bit behind, so I didn’t have any makeup on yet. rawr. SUV pulls up to the pump on the other side and I see two guys inside. I keep doin my gas thing, and then next thing I know I hear a guy’s voice saying, “do you like your Volvo?” I look around confused, sure he must have been addressing his buddy.. but no. Attractive guy is standing opposite me next to the gas pump looking all.. beautiful.. and talking to me. I try to catch my off-guard fleeing words to put them in a coherent sentence. (I didn’t even see him there, I was so unprepared) I said something profound like, “yeah I do, but it costs your firstborn child to repair.” cool. charming. somethin. he agrees and says he really likes his BMW. I say that I’ve heard they’re pretty good. then he says, “when’s your birthday?”
uh…………………………………………..what?
I make some weird surprised throat noise and say, “when’s my birthday?” and he laughs and says, “yeah, I ask everybody. you can ask him, I just did it to him.” his friend backs him up. so I say my birthday. then he says, “you smell really good, I can smell it from here.” I get a little embarrassed/worried that it must be too strong if he can smell it across the gas pump and say, “oh.. thanks,” and smile all embarrassedly, so painfully aware of the fact that I have no makeup on at that moment. then I gradually inch toward my car door and he says some kind of goodbye that I can’t remember. as I drive away I smile to myself and realize I should have done something to reciprocate his obvious attempts at putting himself out there.
stupid.
so if you ever read this, attractive gas station man.. my bad.
for our next example, we will use this past weekend. I went out with a great guy to the David Archuleta/MoTab Choir Christmas Concert. we got there nice and early so we would be sure to get in in the crazy mass of crazed Mormon Archie groupies.. therefore we had quite a bit of time to kill before it actually started while we were chillin in our seats. after good games of Angry Birds and Othello, we went on a bathroom break and came back and didn’t want to sit, so we stood in front of our seats and he started stretching out his back, then tried to touch his toes. he asked me if I could, so I proceeded to bend over in my dress, without thinking of the poor little girl behind me who, I now realize, may have been flashed some unders, to show him my great flexibility. he couldn’t touch his toes and I told him it was because he had long legs, and then he countered with the fact that I do too. good point. so we measure legs. I try to find his hip bone to know where his are starting and geniusly ask him, “where’s your pelvis?”
…….
he busts up laughing and then shows me where his pelvis is.
great.

oh, but just you WAIT! the fun is NOT over yet. fast forward to later in the date. we went with a group and after dinner we went to his house to play games. we started playing this version of Extreme UNO that adds about 25,000 new rules to the original. he gets us some Propel waters to sip on. don’t worry that as I’m drinking mine, he cracks a joke and I SPIT IT ALL OVER HIM AND THE TABLE. yes you read that right. I spit flavored water all over my date.
how do I function in society?
then the next night we are playing games again at his house. this time he gets me some chocolate milk. as I’m dealing my cards, he grabs it from out in front of me and says, “maybe you should wait to drink this.” I say, “yes, cuz I’m dealing,” and he says, “and cuz it might end up all over me.”
sigh.

but I don’t limit the awkwardness to my own dating. oh no… I share the wealth. take last night, for example. one of my dear roommates was waiting for this guy she’s been semi-dating for quite some time to come get her for a movie. I figure she’ll just go with him when he gets there and all will be hunky dory, but I gotta shower. I get in and do my thing, oblivious to the happenings in the house. I look and see that I only left my smallest towel in the bathroom.. must’ve left my big bath sheet in my bedroom. dangit. but oh well, it’s about a 5 foot walk across the hall to my room. I’ll be ok in this little guy for a 5 foot walk.
open up the door, flashing all kinds of thigh and who knows what else and stroll across the hall past her bedroom door only to look up and see him sitting with her on the edge of her bed looking straight at me. he says, “whoa,” and I say, “oops! sorry! I didn’t know you were here!”
she told me later that she told him that was free of charge and he didn’t even have to give me a tip.
awesome.
then today I walk into Sunday School today and guess who’s sitting directly across the isle from me.. yep. don’t think I can make eye contact with him anymore.

I hope you enjoyed this snippet of my awkward life.
stop being jealous. we can’t all be me.

I think so, Brain, but we’re already naked

you know how sometimes you encounter someone who is SO witty and SO brilliant that you’re like, “hm.. I’m never gonna speak again.. or type a single letter on that blog. it’s over. from now on, only cute pictures of animals with cutesy sayings on them that make people want to snuggle and then throw up from so much cute fur and hearts and cute stuff.”

but then you’re like, “NO! I WILL NOT BE SILENCED BY YOUR BRILLIANT FUNNY WRITING THAT MAKES ME LOOK INCOMPETENT! I WILL CONTINUE TO BARRAGE THE INTERNET WITH MY WORDS AND OPINION AND COOL LIFE STORIES LIKE EVERYBODY CARES ABOUT ME ME ME!!!! BECAUSE THEY DO! BECAUSE I AM THE CENTER OF THE WORLD!!!! I WILL BE HEARRRRRRD!”

no?
oh. my doctor said it was really common.

three youtube posts in a row? whaaaat?

well, it’s my hot body, I do what I want.

iChristmas

so… I love Apple products, I love Christmas, and I love music.

my friends Zach and Taylor showed me tonight that apparently those three things can be combined into something awesome. observe (and hold onto your beanies and underoos because they’re about to be blown off by technology):

 

Mustache and Music Monday

well.

now that we’ve gotten that out of the way..

on to the music.

recently I’ve stumbled onto an artist who goes by the name of Whitley. I feel like this is rather unfortunate timing, because after inspecting his myspace music page I see that he/they have done their “last tour ever” this year. I felt a little sick when I learned this, that I came onto the scene so late.. but that doesn’t stop me from being in love with the album, “The Submarine.” I have it on repeat in my car, and I thought you should know about it.

oh, what’s that? you combined a sexy-voiced Aussie with rich acoustic tones, creative beats, and “I-feel-like-I-wrote-these” lyrics? yes, I’ll take two, please.

disclaimer: no, this musical mustache thing isn’t a regular Aubrey blog gimmick. I just liked alliteration. it’s never happened before and I make no promises for repeats. I find that life is much easier to live without obligations and empty internet promises to what are probably fictional readers. plus this way I can do what I want. kthanksguys!