where’s the DeLorean?

it’s been a strange week.

just to keep things spicy… in the past few days, I have been contacted by 4 specific and significant guys in my life.. and I know you wanna hear about them. here we go.

the first is funny. it is one of my best friends. he is married, but he talks to me almost daily. it’s a strange relationship, but it isn’t inappropriate. we don’t have romantic feelings, and we don’t cross boundaries.

here is an exerpt from a convo we had tonight, in fact. we are talking about the strangeness of our relationship:

him: you’re my bffbf.

me: bfffbf? what does that stand for?

him: Glad u asked
Best friend forever facebook friend

me: haha!!
oh mylanta. this honor can never be comprehended

him: “Surpassed” is the word you were looking for.
So when you’re talking about me you can say ” my bfffbf ____….”  Cuz u talk about me to everyone.

me: obvi.
my bfffbf. I hope I don’t get tongue tied just saying it

him: And yes. Our relationship may be weird, but it’s freaking awesome.
It’s weird to outsiders

me: yes it is
to both of those comments

him: Cuz I’m hitched. But the great part is… my wife is like, “Aubrey thinks you’re retarded so I’m not even worried. U could be alone on a desert island and I wouldn’t care”

did she actually say that?
please say yes

him: Yeah.
Nobody else has that privilege. FYI

me: hahahahahahahahaha
I am literally cracking up right now

him: Except for maybe Bette Midler
Cuz she’s old

me: I don’t know whether to be insulted or flattered

him: Flattered. I’d go with that

me: Bette Midler?!?

him: Lol
I dunno. First name that came to mind
Which is strange, cuz I hate the view. Worst tv ever.

me: that is insulting to be compared to her
on a scale of attractiveness
or concern from a wife’s perspective

him: Hahaha
Forget it.
How about. Betty White.
Sandra Bullock.
Cuz they’re the same. lol.

me: “You are about as threatening to be trapped on an island with my husband as Bette Midler is. enjoy your hideousness.”
that’s only a snippet of the conversation. but you get the idea.
the next comes in the form of my on-and-off long distance whatever for the past 7.5 or 8 years. (wanna talk about weird/complicated relationships? don’t even get me started on this one.) after months of not-speaking after his c-r-a-z-y girlfriend went ballistic on him for talking to me.. (seriously. she’s psycho.) he contacted me today. he misses me. she still sees me as a threat. but ultimately the situation has not changed.
(at least I’m not Bette Midler status with SOMEbody.)

thirdly.. I happened to decide to watch “P.S. I Love You” on Sunday night. it matched my mood. watching Irish or Englishmen on tv always makes me think about my first love. he is half English, half Irish. Monday, guess who contacted me via MSN messenger.. also after months of not speaking? he has a serious girlfriend these days, but we are friends and it’s nice to catch up occasionally. but the timing was ironic at best. how does that happen?

the fourth is one of my very best friends. this one is purely for your entertainment. he has been previously featured on Tidbits from Aubrey’s Text Messages.” our conversations should almost always be broadcast. they occur daily and they are amazing. today, this happened, as we were talking about comfortable states of being:

me: I wish I could just wear a towel all day everyday. that’s my favorite way to be dressed. I stay in a towel as long as possible everyday.

him: I can’t tie it so it stays.

me: I usually use my armpit to hold it.

him: And unders?

me: Nah. Defeats the purpose. Might as well just wear unders.

him: Good point. I don’t really wear just a towel. Too many dudes around.

Are you still be-toweled?

me: No cuz I’m about to go to work. I’m half-dressed now.

him: I was going to ask what kind of things do you do in a towel? You couldn’t do anything too active, or you know…nudity.

me: Not strenuous things.. but I think that’s part of the comfort.

*about 7 hours later*

him: I’m trying the towel only strategy. Going well so far.

me: Bahaha. I love that you are trying it. Isn’t it divine?

him: It’s pretty sweet. But now I’m just chilling in my room because I can’t really go outside.

me: True. That’s kind of nice though.

him: So I’m just supposed to, like hang out and enjoy? Text people? Read things?

me: Yeah. Watch movies. Play online. Have a solo dance party. Do your thing.

him: Word.

that just happened.
…what is my life??!
normal relationships are out of my reach. that concept is beyond me.

One thought on “where’s the DeLorean?

  1. When Ann Landers passed away, I think you should take over her columns, and i think your articles would be way more fun and appealing to the public. You sound like you’re enjoying your life. Good for you.

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