Tidbits from Aubrey’s Text Messages

I had to share this stuff. (Sorry Shelb. I know I still owe you a mission post. I promise it’s coming.) The following are the reasons I love texting. The three people featured are the three that I text the most. These are only excerpts of the hilarious things that pass through my phone.

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Cale: “F. What’s your phone number?”

Me: “801…blahbity blah. Why?”

Cale: “I have 2 numbers under your name. Did you get the picture of the wrap I sent earlier?”

Me: “I sure didn’t.”

Cale: “Ehhh I sent that picture to a random then. Plus it’s someone I know because I used to hide numbers under other contacts…I’m sure they’ll enjoy that.”

Me: “Ha! You hid numbers under other contacts? Why?”

Cale: “So if I ever got a text from whoever it would be like…Aubrey!
Texted you!”

Me: “Haha! So you wanted extra texts from me?”

Cale: “Pretty much, yo.”

**************************************

Me: “I hope this lands in your dreams tonight.”

Cale: “That’s awful. What is that?!”

Me: “That’s the way CPR practice babies are stored. With their heads backwards between their legs.”

Cale: “Oh I see, so they can have the Satanic powers needed to come to life at night.”

****************************************

Kevin: “You are asleep. Deep in your psyche I am embedding a desire for you to text me. When you wake the urge will grow so intense that you will be forced to obey.”

**********************************************

Cambria: “Remember when we took pictures of the ballerina in class?”

Me: “Yep. Why?”

Cambria: “I wanna do that with Aaron’s muscles.”

Me: “Hahahahaha!!”

Cambria: “I’m so serious!”

Me: “I know. The light would definitely enhance the muscle bulge. Would he do it?”

Cambria: “I think so… I asked him yesterday and he thought I was weird.”

**************************************

(I don’t know why, but I have ended up having 2 different conversations where the following topic came up. and neither time was it my idea.)

Cale: “Ok check me. If a magic sex change fairy flew up to you and was like ‘Aubrey Wilkinson….you get this one chance and one chance only to become a man. But there’s no going back,’ how would you respond?”

Me: “No thanks. I don’t even know how to be a guy. I would be lost.”

Cale: “You just walk around. Look at stuff. Wear pants always. Brush teeth. Play nintendo.”

Me: “Hahaha. That was the best description of being a guy ever.”

Cale: “What’s it like being a girl?”

Me: “Always try to look pretty. Get treated to things. Get critiqued/looked at a lot. Eat chocolate. Shop. Laugh. Make stuff. Be in charge. Multitask.”

Cale: “I’m good at half of those things.”

Me: “Which half?”

Cale: “Make stuff. Be in charge. Shop for one specific thing. Try to look pretty.”

*****************************************

Me: “A. I have no idea how to be a dude. And B. I kind of like being me.”

Kevin: “Being a dude is easy. We pee standing up.”

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Cambria: “Tell me what to say! I’m sending you texts between me and J. Starting with me:”

(J calls multiple times and complains she is not answering)
Cambria: “Dude! I’m at work!!!”
J: “Well…lame! What are you doing tonight?”
Cambria: “I’m going to a soiree. Fancy huh? You?
J: “Just wishing I was hangin out with you…”

Me: “Oh gag.”
“Is that all?”

Cambria: “Yeah.”

Me: “I would say, ‘Yeah I get that a lot,’ or something snotty like that.”
“Or don’t write back for a long time and when you do, totally change the subject. Like ‘Ahh the fattest lady EVER just came into the store!’ or something.”

******************************************

(Discussing my problems with my hanging shoe rack)

Kevin: “Ha just put your shoes on the ground”

Me: “I have too may, they don’t fit. :(”

Kevin: “Wow that is a lot of shoes. I have 4 pairs. My everyday shoes, church shoes, flip flops, and my football shoes.”

Me: “4?! Man. I don’t even know how many I have..”

Kevin: “Yup 4. And I only ever wear 2.”

Me: “Dang gina. I would die.”
“I just counted and I have 54 pairs. Not including slippers.”

Kevin: “I don’t think I could possibly wear that many shoes.”

Me: “Trust me it’s possible. It’s what makes the outfit!”

Kevin: “I don’t have outfits.”

Me: “That’s ok. I do. I’ll handle it for you.”

Kevin: “Ok you can have the outfits.”

Me: “Thanks for your sacrifice.”

Kevin: “It’s gonna be difficult, but I’ll do it for you.”

*************************************

Cale: “Wilkinson, how important would you say a 6-pack is to you?”

Me: “Not at all. I’m all about arms/shoulders/hands.”

Cale: “Hand workouts?”

“Grab things?”

*************************************

Cambria: “I’m pretty sure there is a lesbian couple living across the street from us.”

Me: “YES! Wait, how do you know?” 

Cambria: “There is one that looks like a lady, and another one who looks like a little boy, but when I look closer, I’m pretty sure she’s a girl too.”

Me: “Well, I’m glad we have no blinds on our house and walk around in our skivvies all the time.”

Cambria: “We are homewreckers.”

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3 thoughts on “Tidbits from Aubrey’s Text Messages

  1. Pingback: back to my future « The Wilki Way

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