hard love is a threat

sometimes…
a bubble of emotion for someone.. people.. caring..
builds up inside me
so intensely
that I don’t know how to cope,
express or release
or implode.

when 7 years of knowing
and best friending
and sharing soul secrets
and nightly phone calls
and unspoken connection
-sometimes spoken-  …perhaps often spoken
and the if-single-marry-at-30 pact
and being a confidant, therapist, and comedy routine audience
and exchanging advice
and growing up
and laughing
are nothing…
because she “sees me as a threat,”
it hurts my heart.

I do my best not to harbor hate,
but I can’t be held responsible
if she suddenly gets picked off.
I wish you could see
that she strips of you of logic
and makes you an abused idiot.
you, even my 4 years past first Facebook friend,
now deleted… twice… by her jealous fingers.
my constant since college freshman year,
now a rarity.

oh so much beef,
… so little ink.

the bottom line:
missing one much loved
who seems to have forgotten
that he hates that his leash doesn’t stretch this long
anymore.

I love too hard.

he that maketh up chinese proverb…

so last night I’m innocently minding my own business watching “Where the Wild Things Are” (loved it, by the way. it took me so long to see it because I had heard unfavorable things. guess my taste in movies sucks, but I thought it was great.) and texting/browsing the internet. you know.. chillin.. when I get a text from a guy who shall remain anonymous.

it sufficeth me to say that we met him when we went out to eat once.. because he was our waiter and he spilled his guts/life story to us. he was all in love with Cam.. I bit the bullet and let him have my number because she sure wasn’t going to and he wanted to come back to church and try our ward, etc. whatev. so every once upon a random, he’ll text me. it’s always been pretty platonic. I wasn’t the little blonde blue-eyed sparkler that enamored him, you see. but he likes to chat every so often, and it’s always strange. every time.

last night… about halfway into our conversation… he says something weird (as per his usual) and that’s where we’ll pick up:

him: So what’s your story. Age. Education. Family

me: 25 next month. Graduated w/a Bachelor’s in Psych. Oldest of 5 kids.

him: Hmm nice work.

me: Thanks. You?

him: I’m the youngest of 7. All sisters 😦 no degree at the moment.. 23 next month as well.

me: Wow all sisters.. What day’s your b-day?

him: 16.

me: Mine’s the 10th.

him: Ha Ha 🙂 match made in heaven

me: Why, cuz you have to get me a present first? Hahaha. Jk. (I had to throw the “jk” in for good measure. I was starting to get weirded out.)

him: Ha ha. Does a kiss count as a gift 🙂

me: (thinking WTF!?) Whoa whoa, smooth operator.

him: It’s a chinese proverb: “He that kisses on birthday month receive much happiness.”

me: And I think I heard another one that goes.. “he that maketh up Chinese Proverb get much play with ladies.”

him: Ha ha ok ok a little far fetched

him: 🙂 haha miss Aubrey has a bite

me: Haha.. I’ve been through many a smooth talker in my time. You’ll have to forgive my sassiness. I can’t help myself.

him: Nah. Smooth talking isn’t what I’m doing.

me: No?

him: Nope :-$ Just a little flirting.

me: Ah, I see. Ha, what does a dollar sign face mean?

him: Idk. Just happened.

me: It was cute. (in actuality… I was completely mocking him.)

him: Ohh u have a sweet side huh

(uhhhhm…. so I say…)
me: I’m multi-faceted I guess.

and the convo continued a little longer. there was more “flirtation” from him before and after this.

but seriously, guys. he made up a Chinese Proverb to hit on me?
really, though?

what will they come up with next?

s.t.u.c.k.

you guys.

here’s the deal.

sooo… most of my friends, aside from the ones from my mission,
are older than me, right?

and yet… in my mind, they are not old.
at all.
even as they pass mid-20’s to into late 20’s and start to brush 30’s…
they aren’t old. they are youthful and vibrant and interesting and full of all the best young yet mature things.

but here’s the incongruency that makes me retarded..

next month is my birthday.
it is my 25th birthday.
and I am continually having periodic private anxiety attacks about my age as it encroaches.

like… freaking out inside of myself about it.

see, in Utah culture, where I have grown up,
it’s normal to get married pretty young… early 20’s is pretty much the norm.
a single girl who is 25 is becoming a little more common these days, but it is not the norm.
of the people I hung out with in high school, I think I have like 2 friends who are still single. (and not only are they married, but they have a couple few kids each.)
out-of-staters would prolly be slightly disgusted by that…
but hey. it’s where I live.

but, that being said, it isn’t really the not being married part that’s freaking me out. I don’t define myself by marital status.
it is the sheer fact that I’m almost a quarter of a century old,
and I am living back with my parents…
working at the same job I had 3 years ago, before graduation and the mission…
doing the same old stuff.

where is the progression?
shouldn’t I have accomplished something bigger than this?

but I’ve done things…
I have a college degree,
I went on a mission that changed my life,
I travel a little…

so why do I feel so stuck?
and prospectless?

I just needed cyberspace to hear that.

that’s all.

“don’t have babies indiscriminately”

that is a direct quote from Elder Kree L.Kofford, emeritus General Authority, who gave a fireside for the young single adults of the University 13th and 32nd wards tonight.

basically… he laid. down. the. law.

he talked about the most important decisions that are going to face us in the next 10 years of our lives, touching on:

1. the important of exact obedience being the gateway to true agency

2. when, where, and who you marry are 3 decisions that are of eternal significance — when: as soon as reasonably possible, where: the temple, who: a righteous partner whom you choose by exercising agency and using the Spirit

3. finances should be approached from the opposite mindset than is most common today (i.e. priority goes to time with spouse and children, and then determining the career and financial bracket you can afford to live within.. not pursuing money first and giving the rest of the time you have leftover)

this man… is fantastic. but he does not mess around. you should have seen the faces of the guys in the congregation. he called them out hard, and left no room for excuses. it was the first fireside on dating and marriage that I can remember that actually left me feeling motivated to date. I felt like he had a broadened yet simplified perspective on what’s really important. there’s no reason to give up on finding an eternal companion, but there’s also no reason to waste time with someone who is ultimately not going to help you reach your eternal goals.
bottom line: the prophet and inspired leaders of the church have counseled us to get married, and the reasons for delay don’t stack up against the purpose of life and the Plan of Salvation. it was kind of a face-slap fireside. in a good way. faith and fear do not co-exist and I need to stop being scurred. (because I’m even a gangster when I’m afraid of stuff.)

but I have come to a conclusion:
no more 21 year-olds.

I came to this conclusion a little while ago, but I wanted to type it.
so there’s that.

k. now that I have filled your eyeballs with everything you didn’t want to read about dating and marriage.. I’m done. but it was significant and eye-opening for me, at least.
there are a lot of love/wedding/marriage themes being thrown at my life from various external sources lately. it’s just on my mind, ok?

(disclaimer: this is not intended as an announcement, cry of desperation, pity party, soapbox speech, or cliche exhortation.. it is simply.. what I learned tonight.)

in December, drinkin’ horchaaata

okay, I know it’s not December. it’s most def March. (I would be so pissed if it was December again.. starting more winter.) but it will make sense in a minute.

but what a week it has been!

Sunday you already know about, mostly. see last post.

Monday after work was a lil family party at Gram’s house because my cousin was visiting from Texas. always a good time with the fandamily. they’re funny, funny people. I heart them.

Tuesday after work (like how everything in my life happens after work? yes, I noticed that too.) I went to the temple. but this time was special.. because my bro, Isaac, was going for his first time. this is because he got his mission call at the end of Feb. oh freaking yeah.
and he is going to….

Brazil Sao Paulo Interlagos!!!!!

folks, believe it or not, this is the same city my other brother went to.. just the mission that borders it. (there are like 5 missions in that ginorm city) and I don’t know who was more excited.. Isaac or Clarke

haha. oh hey Danny’s head.
aww what cute brothers I have!
anyway, the temple. there is nothing like the temple. walking into the Celestial Room and seeing my family standing in a smiling circle and feeling that peace so thick it’s tangible… that’s the only place in the world you can feel like that. period.  I’m so grateful for that blessing.

Wednesday after work I had a special little treat. I got to sit 5th row at the Energy Solutions Arena to take in the beautiful spectacle that is the Utah Jazz, baby!! fifth freaking row! thank you, Scott.
and the following things happened while I was there:
1. we sat surrounded by old dudes who are season ticket holders. the one next to me was so cute and he kept reaching underneath his seat for his water bottle, clarifying that he wasn’t trying to get “fresh” with me. ha!
2. the old bald dude in front of us stood up EVERY time the Jazz scored with his 2 young teenage friends and high-fived. every. time. but he was amusing. and pretty popular. like.. everyone knew him. and then he started high-fiving me too.
3. the Jazz bear was walking down the sloped railing like a balance beam.. guess what happened next?
yeah, he fell. not to the right. not to the left. straight down the middle. of his legs, that is. o.u.c.h. but oh my gosh, was I glad I was watching him instead of the layup by the Timberwolves at that moment. so sadly hilarious.
4.  some summation of River Dance, clogging, porcelain dolls, and square dancing happened during halftime. don’t ask me. I don’t know. it was weird.
5. I was so close to my boyfriend Paul Millsap, I think he could feel our future bond growing stronger. it’s so inevitable, I can just feel it.
6. I forgot my camera AND my phone. I, therefore, have no pictures. because I suck.
7. the Jazz killed the Timberwolves. because they are awesome at life. and I have to make a shout-out to Korver because he rocked it. it was his birthday AND St. Patty’s Day. he was jivin’.
(yeah I just said jivin’. what?)

Thursday after work (yep) I got to have a little quality bff time with Cam..
at the The Blow/Vampire Weekend concert. YEZZIR! let’s just talk about how awesome it was for a second. the girl from The Blow, as some of you may already know, is a total spaz… but amusing. she dances the whole time. and I love her music. it’s electronic but really unique.
for example:

not actually their music video.. but these dudes made a low quality video that is QUITE entertaining indeed.
the dude behind us did not share our appreciation… very vocally. and then we shut him up. and he tried to awkwardly apologize to us for disrespecting her later. haha.
but ohhh Vampire Weekend! often times… the moment I see a band perform live is the moment I truly fall in love with them. this was no exception. it was such an awesome show. and not only were their personalities cool, but they are so TALENTED! you can ask Cam, because I think I told her 52 times how much the drummer blew my mind. at one point he was playing 3 completely different beats at the same time with a foot and two arms WHILE singing harmony.  I was so impressed. and all of them are talented like that. their music is complex but entertaining, and you can tell they are actually legit musicians with a comprehensive knowledge of music theory. and very innovative. here’s my favorite song of theirs. probably not the most musically complex, as I just finish raving about that… but freakin’ awesome. I give you.. California English:

and by the way, the title of this post is from their song “Horchata.” another beauty.
here they are in real life:
no, your eyes do not deceive you. the dude on the keys had 5 keyboards out at one point. I want his job. (I think I’ve said “dude” like 5 times in this post, alone. you know you love it.)
awesome.

does one dare to think this week is not even over yet?

tonight (after work) is a movie + hockey.
and tomorrow (NOT after work! pah!) Cam and I are shooting a wedding.. as in.. photographing it. ack!! so excited!

my life is good. kbye.

I’m riding this horse backwards. hyahh!

the following are my favorite things that have been said to (or by) me in the past 2 days:

“perhaps, but it’s not like you’re a Mexican policeman. bribing usually backfires.”
– John Visser about guys bribing me for dates.

“DO WE KNOW WHO HE IS??”
– yelling old guy at the retirement home in a moment of dead silence about my brother as he was standing at the pulpit about to sing in their sacrament meeting and I was about to play the intro on the piano and had to laugh silently through the notes. old people forget how to whisper, in case you wondered. so funny. I heart them.

“I’m having a special?”
– me. confused out of my mind by the dudes working at Pita Pit. (not that funny on a blog. but you can ask Haley. it was so hilar in the moment.)

actual text conversation:
me: “Mario?”
Clarke: “Homework. Maybe if I can get through it really quickly, but doubtful.”
me: “Boo.”
Clarke: “No. I already told you I can’t play. There won’t be any boo tonight.”

and furthermore…

I saw this play called “The Light in the Piazza” last night.. my uncle is an amazing professional pianist and also was the music director for the show. but seeing it made me think three things:

1. I want every adorable vintage dress that was worn in that show. somebody get me the costume director. stat.

2. Italy needs me. about as much as I need it.

3. dang, my family is freakin’ talented. we kind of remind me of the Osmond’s or something.

and lastly… I wanted to post my favorite commercials of all time. because they make me happy every time without fail. in fact, I just giggled out loud right this second. I know you’ve seen them before, but here you go anyway.

update*
I just wanted to add to this post and tell the world that my brother Clarke and I CONQUERED Mario Bros for the Wii tonight. I won’t tell you how many times we had to fight Bowser in his castle on World 8 to do it… ahem… but on our last do or die before we go to bed chance… we WON!!!! it was incredibly gratifying.  it made all of the feelings of frustration and effort (a.k.a. wasted time) worth it!!
k that’s all. since I’m sure this matters a lot to you. but it was awesome to me! WOOT!!!!!!!