servicing salt lake county

so here’s the story:

Saturday night I go to this mission dinner mini-reunion at Chili’s, right? it’s not the usual mission crowd that I chill with, but my plans to go to Sundance for the free 30 Seconds to Mars concert were foiled by inclement weather in the canyon. ruff.
so… backup was the dinner. I braved it, despite misgivings about who might be in attendance. none of my faves were going.

well.  it maybe makes the top 15 most ridiculous nights list.

there I am sitting on the end of the table surrounded by 4 English-speaking ex-Elders. (I served my last 9 months in the “Language Zone” where I was only surrounded by Spanish and Haitian Creole-speaking missionaries. I’m not super integrated into the English crowd.) they took it upon themselves to talk about all of the most apostate stories from the mission for the entirety of the night. I was appalled and a little amused at the sheer ridiculousness. I had nothing to contribute.

then an ex-sister and ex-elder who are now dating decide to announce to everybody that they, in fact, eloped to Vegas last weekend.


“it’s true!” they insist. I call b.s.
I think I said about 15 times that I thought they were lying. it was just so… something they would do.
anyway they get the whole group believing them, even me reluctantly accepting the claim with a heavy dose of skepticism.

the next day she posts a status on Facebook.. “yeah Chili’s last night, that was a joke.”
called it.

lame. (no offense if either of you happen to read this. ahem.)

and then to top off the night..

as we get our checks (for my sick nasty cheesy potato soup. nobody told me that ish was loaded to the max with queso. and as a reminder.. I loathe cheese. with all my heart.)
our waiter goes around asking about splitting them up. he gets to me and says, “are you solo?”
me: “yep.”
him: “what’s a pretty girl like you doin’ solo??”
me: (assuming it was typical waiter-trying-to-jack-up-the-tip banter) “I guess I’m just an independent woman.”
him: “I’ll have to give you my card.”
me: “ha. yeah.”

homeboy comes back with the check. behind my credit card lies a card. a business card. he wasn’t joking.
and this was not just any business card… this was a MOBILE MASSAGE business card!! his catch phrase is: “Servicing Utah and Salt Lake Counties in the convenience of your home or business” and “Specializing in outcall services.”

let’s clarify one important detail: he’s like 40.

if that is indeed his age, he is 7 years younger than my father.

needless to say, I got made fun of.

and while we’re on this topic,

shall we tell another?
yes. this is a story about Halloween night that has never been shared, and that’s kind of a travesty. we’ll see how good my memory is.

so Cam and Tara and I hit up a Halloween house party. it was pretty bumpin’ and packed, but being that it was a Mormon one, it didn’t go super late.  afterwards we decide to take advantage of half price sushi after 10:30pm at Shogun in SLC for our own personal after-party. (ohhh mylanta. go there. please do it. it’s so delicious and the ambiance is the coolest.)

we get seated under our table (and when I say under, I mean your feet go down into the floor because the tables are basically on the ground like the Japanese do.) keep in mind we are dressed as bugs. I was a ladybug, Cam was a bee, Tara was a firefly. we were too cute.

(photo borrowed from Cam)

I look up and accidentally make eye contact with a dude sitting with his buddy at the table across from us. he almost immediately yells, “hey, do you want us to come sit with you?!?”
we laugh. they do. well, actually they come to the table next to us.
the fellow so immediately smitten was named Ben. Ben and pal (I’m blanking on his name. he’s “pal” now.) are on the verge of wasted. but they’re at the level of drunkenness where they can still carry a conversation and be absolutely hilarious without the obnoxious parts of drunk people.

Ben instantly begins to shower me with compliments.

here are some of the main points I can remember.. which is only a fraction of what he actually said throughout the evening:

“I am so attracted to you.”
“I just feel like we have this connection. you can just FEEL this energy flowing between us!”
“if I was single, this is what I’d do. I’d ask you out on a date. I’d take you out to dinner and then we’d do something active like.. play basketball.”
to Cam and Tara, “your friend is so beautiful (and/or gorgeous)!” repeated like 10 times.
after hugging me repeatedly and sighing in bliss, he said to Cam, “I can only give you a half hug cuz I gave her a whole one. you’re very pretty too, but I saw her first.”
“I think you’re so attractive.”
“you’re so pretty.”
(pal was dressed up as an old lady in a nightgown, wig, and sunglasses, Ben was dressed as a middle-aged east-coast snob with super short shorts and a yacht. pal played Ben’s New Yorker mother.)
pal responds, “you never tell your mother she’s pretty.”
“yeah, your mom is pretty.”

other highlights include:

him spilling rice all over himself and under the whole table.
him deciding he needed to lay out on the floor and stretch. yeah, you read that right. he lifted his leg into the air in his teensy shorts and made Tara hold his toe to stretch his hamstrings. thought I was going to hyperventilate with laughter.

him pouring water perfectly for me, not spilling a drop, and very strategic positioning right in my face as he did so.. then proceeding to spill everywhere at his own table.

that was probably my favorite night ever. maybe. at least one of the top in entertainment.

and tonight… I went out with co-workers to celebrate a birthday. we attempted dancing at Studio 600. that was a smashing failure. Tuesday nights are not the bomb, unless we maybe just left too early.
so they decide to hit up Lumpy’s. I was the only non-drinker of the group. that was pretty entertaining for me. they call me the purity of the office, and are pretty sure hell would freeze over before I’d ever go against the commandments. I have the Mormon talent of being fun without alcohol. 🙂 it was especially amusing since it was karaoke night. and I proceeded to watch my supervisor get absolutely toasted on AMF’s and Vodka Red Bull.. to the point of throwing up in the bathroom and a glass at the table and have to be walked out to her boyfriend’s car. yep. can’t wait to see her hangover tomorrow.

but I busted out some Aaliyah “I Really Need Somebody” like a champ at karaoke. and the poly’s sang pretty much the rest of the night. but the faux-hawked white guy running the karaoke was making googly eyes at me all night. he winked/smiled/waved at me as I walked out. he was cute, but I feel like I maybe narrowly escaped another escapade like the ones I have been sharing cuz my supervisor drank wayyy too much. so.. thanks for that I guess?

well. now that you’ve been entertained.. you’re welcome. and sorry for those of you who are offended by stories about drunk people. unfortunately (or fortunately) they are most of the people I interact with on the daily due to my line of work.. and the stories are too good not to share. woop woop!


3 thoughts on “servicing salt lake county

  1. I am so very happy cambria directed me to your website you have put a permeant smile on my face for the rest of the day!!!

  2. Pingback: I have a present, just for you: « Cam Bam

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