servicing salt lake county

so here’s the story:

Saturday night I go to this mission dinner mini-reunion at Chili’s, right? it’s not the usual mission crowd that I chill with, but my plans to go to Sundance for the free 30 Seconds to Mars concert were foiled by inclement weather in the canyon. ruff.
so… backup was the dinner. I braved it, despite misgivings about who might be in attendance. none of my faves were going.

well.  it maybe makes the top 15 most ridiculous nights list.

there I am sitting on the end of the table surrounded by 4 English-speaking ex-Elders. (I served my last 9 months in the “Language Zone” where I was only surrounded by Spanish and Haitian Creole-speaking missionaries. I’m not super integrated into the English crowd.) they took it upon themselves to talk about all of the most apostate stories from the mission for the entirety of the night. I was appalled and a little amused at the sheer ridiculousness. I had nothing to contribute.

then an ex-sister and ex-elder who are now dating decide to announce to everybody that they, in fact, eloped to Vegas last weekend.


“it’s true!” they insist. I call b.s.
I think I said about 15 times that I thought they were lying. it was just so… something they would do.
anyway they get the whole group believing them, even me reluctantly accepting the claim with a heavy dose of skepticism.

the next day she posts a status on Facebook.. “yeah Chili’s last night, that was a joke.”
called it.

lame. (no offense if either of you happen to read this. ahem.)

and then to top off the night..

as we get our checks (for my sick nasty cheesy potato soup. nobody told me that ish was loaded to the max with queso. and as a reminder.. I loathe cheese. with all my heart.)
our waiter goes around asking about splitting them up. he gets to me and says, “are you solo?”
me: “yep.”
him: “what’s a pretty girl like you doin’ solo??”
me: (assuming it was typical waiter-trying-to-jack-up-the-tip banter) “I guess I’m just an independent woman.”
him: “I’ll have to give you my card.”
me: “ha. yeah.”

homeboy comes back with the check. behind my credit card lies a card. a business card. he wasn’t joking.
and this was not just any business card… this was a MOBILE MASSAGE business card!! his catch phrase is: “Servicing Utah and Salt Lake Counties in the convenience of your home or business” and “Specializing in outcall services.”

let’s clarify one important detail: he’s like 40.

if that is indeed his age, he is 7 years younger than my father.

needless to say, I got made fun of.

and while we’re on this topic,

shall we tell another?
yes. this is a story about Halloween night that has never been shared, and that’s kind of a travesty. we’ll see how good my memory is.

so Cam and Tara and I hit up a Halloween house party. it was pretty bumpin’ and packed, but being that it was a Mormon one, it didn’t go super late.  afterwards we decide to take advantage of half price sushi after 10:30pm at Shogun in SLC for our own personal after-party. (ohhh mylanta. go there. please do it. it’s so delicious and the ambiance is the coolest.)

we get seated under our table (and when I say under, I mean your feet go down into the floor because the tables are basically on the ground like the Japanese do.) keep in mind we are dressed as bugs. I was a ladybug, Cam was a bee, Tara was a firefly. we were too cute.

(photo borrowed from Cam)

I look up and accidentally make eye contact with a dude sitting with his buddy at the table across from us. he almost immediately yells, “hey, do you want us to come sit with you?!?”
we laugh. they do. well, actually they come to the table next to us.
the fellow so immediately smitten was named Ben. Ben and pal (I’m blanking on his name. he’s “pal” now.) are on the verge of wasted. but they’re at the level of drunkenness where they can still carry a conversation and be absolutely hilarious without the obnoxious parts of drunk people.

Ben instantly begins to shower me with compliments.

here are some of the main points I can remember.. which is only a fraction of what he actually said throughout the evening:

“I am so attracted to you.”
“I just feel like we have this connection. you can just FEEL this energy flowing between us!”
“if I was single, this is what I’d do. I’d ask you out on a date. I’d take you out to dinner and then we’d do something active like.. play basketball.”
to Cam and Tara, “your friend is so beautiful (and/or gorgeous)!” repeated like 10 times.
after hugging me repeatedly and sighing in bliss, he said to Cam, “I can only give you a half hug cuz I gave her a whole one. you’re very pretty too, but I saw her first.”
“I think you’re so attractive.”
“you’re so pretty.”
(pal was dressed up as an old lady in a nightgown, wig, and sunglasses, Ben was dressed as a middle-aged east-coast snob with super short shorts and a yacht. pal played Ben’s New Yorker mother.)
pal responds, “you never tell your mother she’s pretty.”
“yeah, your mom is pretty.”

other highlights include:

him spilling rice all over himself and under the whole table.
him deciding he needed to lay out on the floor and stretch. yeah, you read that right. he lifted his leg into the air in his teensy shorts and made Tara hold his toe to stretch his hamstrings. thought I was going to hyperventilate with laughter.

him pouring water perfectly for me, not spilling a drop, and very strategic positioning right in my face as he did so.. then proceeding to spill everywhere at his own table.

that was probably my favorite night ever. maybe. at least one of the top in entertainment.

and tonight… I went out with co-workers to celebrate a birthday. we attempted dancing at Studio 600. that was a smashing failure. Tuesday nights are not the bomb, unless we maybe just left too early.
so they decide to hit up Lumpy’s. I was the only non-drinker of the group. that was pretty entertaining for me. they call me the purity of the office, and are pretty sure hell would freeze over before I’d ever go against the commandments. I have the Mormon talent of being fun without alcohol. 🙂 it was especially amusing since it was karaoke night. and I proceeded to watch my supervisor get absolutely toasted on AMF’s and Vodka Red Bull.. to the point of throwing up in the bathroom and a glass at the table and have to be walked out to her boyfriend’s car. yep. can’t wait to see her hangover tomorrow.

but I busted out some Aaliyah “I Really Need Somebody” like a champ at karaoke. and the poly’s sang pretty much the rest of the night. but the faux-hawked white guy running the karaoke was making googly eyes at me all night. he winked/smiled/waved at me as I walked out. he was cute, but I feel like I maybe narrowly escaped another escapade like the ones I have been sharing cuz my supervisor drank wayyy too much. so.. thanks for that I guess?

well. now that you’ve been entertained.. you’re welcome. and sorry for those of you who are offended by stories about drunk people. unfortunately (or fortunately) they are most of the people I interact with on the daily due to my line of work.. and the stories are too good not to share. woop woop!


last name “up,” first name “fed”

Negative Nancy:

I don’t get my car back until NEXT Tuesday or Wednesday because apparently repairs are more extensive than they thought. poor Victoria… 😦
it cost $2000 more than they originally estimated.. over $4800 in total. (I pay a $500 deductible, but who knows what happens to my premiums?)

I am a disgruntled employee.. and so are my co-workers. I sat through maybe an hour long vent sesh today at work listening to my co-workers be angry. burnout, nit-picky criticism, and being wayyy under-compensated don’t create happy feelings. I am officially actively looking for something new, so if you hear of something.. please let me know.

I shouldn’t have looked, but I did anyway.. result: last night was made up of feelings of anger, the likes of which cannot be matched by anything in my recent memory. deleted it all. any possible forms of communication are officially cut off.

I paid $210 in traffic tickets related to the above car damage today.

Wendy’s didn’t give me my chicken nuggets that I bought for lunch and I didn’t notice till I got back to the office. I threw away my unused honey mustard. sad.

linger longer is stressing me right out.

confused. confused. confused.

Positive Polly:

tomorrow I am hittin up ward ski day at Brighton directly after work till the p.m. and then hockey in my ski threads.

I have the weekend off.. and several options for fun.

my dog is the cutest and she loves me unconditionally.

photography class started again tonight.. thumbs up.

my family and friends amaze me on the daily with their level of awesomeness and degree of hilarity.

this week when the sun has been out and it gets warm in my car, I have glimpses of the summer that’s coming. and when “Boys of Summer” comes on while I drive home from work in my stunnas, I get a moment of summery bliss and it makes me smile all over.

I laughed a lot today.

Brown won Massachusetts.

it could be worse.

I know, this is kind of a lot like my last post, but… meh. it was the best way to update you on my situation. plus I think in random fragments. I was simply being representative of the thought stream. kthanks.

currently rocking out to: “Liar, Liar” by A Fine Frenzy

I like to blog about things that don’t matter.

ha, I noticed the other day that I primarily post things on my blog that are insignificant.. either because the little things mostly occupy my little mind or I don’t want to talk about the big things. but whatev. sorry I don’t always do the obligatory holiday posts or talk about the significant activities that go on in my life. I’m sure you’d much prefer to read about my latest fashion conquest or the fact that I just made my pizza look like a disaster trying to pick off the cheese and then put the toppings back on and even cut out some of the fat from the ham on the hawaiian slice.. and my co-worker made fun of me. (this is a usual occurance when I eat pizza. there is always a fascinated, amused observer.) or how I found a footie sock and a dryer sheet attached to the inside of my shirt throughout the course of the day today at work. that was pretty awesome.

but guys… isn’t life hilarious?
it’s just too good to be made up.


I got in an accident Monday pulling out of Target because there was a vehicle right in the blind spot behind my panel on the right side of the windshield. didn’t see her till the last second. smashed up Victoria the Volvo on the front right headlight and bumper. (she’s been in the shop since Wednesday.) the poor sweet girl’s SUV was not driveable. the drive train was hanging under the car. towed. citation. (my blessings for going to FHE, no doubt.)

I got in an accident Tuesday. I had just come from a QA critique w/my bosses, listening to myself unknowingly recorded on a phone call. stressful. hate those. waited to get on the on-ramp to the freeway (on the way to go get my car estimated) guy started moving and I pressed the gas and checked my blind spot right as he decided to stop suddenly. bam. damaged the bumper of my parents’ beater car for teenagers – the Esqui (a.k.a. Ford Escort) and the dude’s way old Volkswagon. citation.

then Thursday I was driving Esqui to work and lo and behold she stopped running. stranded on the side of the freeway. oh, wonderful.. I left my cell phone on my bed at home. I waited.. and waited.. nobody stopped. got out and started to hike up the freeway entrance in stiletto heels. finally a lady stopped and let me use her cell phone. dad rescued me and took me to work. turns out the car just ran out of gas and the gauge is kind of sticky so I was oblivious. ridiculous.

due to my excessive issues with vehicles (seriously, do you know anybody who has more car problems than I do?) and the amount of money they cost me, no school for me for now. not panning out. plans have faceplanted.

and not only no school, but plans to move out with Cam and Tara.. delayed. excitement placed on hold.

my job is.. it is.. somethin. burning me out to the core? killing me softly with its song? yep.

due to my recent crippling heartbreak in December, I was sworn to hate men for all eternity, or at least for a few months, while I recovered. didn’t care and nor did I have the emotional capacity to try. nope. boom! steamrolled by a someone who wants to be the someone. maybe a break wasn’t quite in the cards at the moment. he’s moving here from Florida for school. night and day difference in maturity level and commitment. my emotional mind is gradually changing. we’ll see how this goes.  (but what is WITH the long-distance magnetism?! I am a romantic joke!)

and continuing on the plus side, I have the best friends:

  • awesome mini mission reunion with ten of the coolest kids from the FTM at Chino’s homecoming
  • rockin CES fireside “date” with Saucy
  • FHE with Tara and Mark, etc.. which was cool till the whole smashing Victoria thing
  • institute, dinner, hot tub, Wii Super Mario Bros, consistently awesome adventures with Cam Bam
  • Thai Orchid and The Brothers Bloom with Michelle and Cam Bam
  • very amusing Sunday night gatherings at the Reeds

and the list goes on. kind of like how this post has gone on. for a really long time.

k I’m done now. firmly resolute in laughing in the face of whatever life has to throw at me.

it’s a beautiful day outside and I’m off in 30! kisses!


I have about reached the point where I’m ready for life to present me with this option:

because I’m not sure how much more I can take.

and the worst part is… most of the bizarre stacking-up events that have been happening are self-inflicted due to total and complete distraction. I may not be quite the independent superwoman I seem to think I am, because apparently my inability to function is now manifesting itself in outward stupidity.
over and over and over.

am I being taught a lesson?
feeling it.

I really hope this means good things are on their way.

and p.s. thank heavens for endlessly patient, supportive parents and lovely indispensable friends. you know who you are. I would be utterly lost without you.


so this may be because I only got 2 hours of sleep last night due to an extremely long phone conversation that was well-needed, hideously confusing, and terribly-timed… BUT THIS has to be one of the funniest blog posts I have ever. read. I was laughing to the point of gasping as I sat in my cubicle. and I would just like to say amen.

I’m not Josie Grossie anymore!

because I feel like blogging about something menial, I just wanted to say….

thank HEAVENS I am not in high school anymore.
in fact, I thank my lucky stars everyday.
and on nights like last night, I kiss my lucky stars all over.

Cam and I went through our often-repeated Friday night regimen of spectating Beau’s rec hockey game… annnd… they played a high school team. the Beavers. (I’ll leave it up to you to imagine the possibilities of heckling the Beavers. baha.) and Beau’s team won by two. shutting up those obnoxious high school boys who were their uber-loud-sunflower-seed-spitting-attitude-copping-we’re-too-cool-for-school fan club was SO gratifying.

you could not pay me enough to go back to those days.

but we enjoyed rubbing it in their faces. and getting the fleeting fearful/intimidated looks from the high school kids afterwards. especially because I was wearing my hot new boots. they are huge. and they make me huge.

exhibit a: (Cam says I look like a Mii (like from the Wii) in the one on the right. she is correct.)

exhibit b: the boots.

is this the part where I say.. eat your heart out?