“A gentleman is simply a patient wolf.” – Lana Turner

*heads up: this post tastes jaded and bitter. you were warned. avert your eyes if you can’t take it.*

my current sentiments can be summed up as follows:


I no longer believe anything they tell me.

that’s all I have.

happy new year.

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glitter snow

today I was a procrastinator.

I went to Target and Walmart twice. I braved the line at the post office. it is the 21st of December. I must hate myself.

but for family home evening we went to Grandma B’s for dinner. most delicious chicken noodle soup I’ve ever tasted. then we went caroling in her neighborhood. it was lovely. my beautiful family sings multiple-part harmony on command. I know you wish we’d sung down all your doors.

and then later, as I exited Target and made my way across the parking lot, I looked up into the yellow street lamp light and noticed that the snow was falling ever so softly, to the point that you almost couldn’t feel it.. and it was so fine and tiny that you had to stop and take note in order to realize what was happening. but when I did, I felt like I was walking through glitter.. a million little floating pieces of glitter.
it was beautiful.

I finally actually feel Christmasy!

and THEN…
I proceeded to drive my mom’s car away without turning the lights on, either because the blonde chunks are getting to my brain or because my car spoils me with automatic lights and I don’t think to do such menial tasks. well I got pulled over. not one, but two cops felt it would be necessary to stop behind me with flashing lights. I was confused. the officer introduced himself, swept the interior of my car with his flashlight, and asked me if there was a reason I was driving without any lights on at all. I was quite surprised, laughed, and turned them right on, explaining that I had simply forgotten and just barely left the store. then I smiled and gave him big innocent eyes. he chuckled and took my license and registration and came back a minute later and said I could go. no ticket. but I’m sure I was a serious threat to public safety. good thing there were two cops there. good thing cops in Layton aren’t evidently bored out of their minds. good thing that was hilarious.
and good thing I proceeded to drive almost the whole way home without lights AGAIN after my final stop. no cops that time. but I must be insanely distracted. thank heavens I almost never drive the car I was in. I’ll stick to Victoria the Volvo and her automatic lights.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

un año pasado

solo queria tomar un momento aqui en mi blog pa’ dar tributo a la cosa que mas me ha afectado en la vida.. jamas. hace un ano atras, desde hoy dia, regrese a casa de la mision en Tampa, FL.. habiendo servido un ano y medio como misionera de La Iglesia de Jesucristo de los Santos de los Ultimos Dias con la gente hispana. esto fue la experiencia mas poderosa que hasta hoy he tenido, que mas me enseno como quiero ser yo, y que realmente es importante — mi Salvador, y que ha hecho por mi. siempre he tenido el ejemplo maravilloso de mis padres, quienes ciertamente me han ensenado la manera de tener felicidad en la vida y ser buena persona: vivir el evangelio. Pero hasta que sali y vivi en un lugar que fue extrano para mi para declararlo a personas desconocidas que no supieron nada de esta felicidad, yo no lo apreciaba realmente.
y mediante esta experiencia, aprendi mas que pudiera esperar explicar aqui en pocas palabras. no pasa ni un dia en que no pienso en la mision.. en lo que pase durante ese tiempo tan duro.. tan dificil hasta que no crei que lo pude hacer mas a veces. pero por medio de esos sentimientos, aprendi depender en mi Salvador. aprendi que el me escucha y que me comunica, y que todo lo puedo en el.. y que tengo el derecho, si soy digna, mediante su gracia y amor, de tener la guia del Espiritu Santo en mi vida.
aprendi amar a gente extrana y diferente. aprendi un idioma nuevo y experimente nuevas culturas.  aprendi comer cosas bien raras y a veces ascerosas. jaja. escuche a nueva musica y vi nuevos bailes. conoci a una gente tan calorosa y amable y hermosa que me enseno abrir mi corazon mas. empeze aprender tener paciencia esperando la voluntad de Dios en lugar de la mia cuando habia fijado mis planes. aprendi hablar con personas con las cuales no tenia nada en comun sin ser humano y hijos de Dios, pero senti amor por ellos. aprendi mas de lo que Dios nos dice en las escrituras.. y que ellas son tesoros menospreciadas por la humanidad.
pero yo pienso que mas que nada aprendi que la mision es sobre el amor. es para que podamos aprender saber que Padre Celestial nos ama, y tambien sentir y entender una parte pequena del amor que el tiene por todos sus hijos alrededor de nosotros.

no he sido perfecta desde que regrese.. recorde cuan dificil es vivir todos los mandamientos en la vida normal, y cuan ocupada puede ser una persona que no hay tiempo como pensamos que debe haber. pero espero que soy mejor persona que fui hace 3 anos atras.. y que solo voy a mejorar.

bueno, ya he hablado demasiado, pero solo queria expresar mi agredecimiento publicamente por el milagro que fue la mision mia. me cambio, y espero poder vivir de acuerdo con lo que aprendi de ella.
no puedo creer que ha sido un ano ya! este fue el ano mas rapido de mi vida. de verdad. adonde fue el tiempo?

o y apropriadamente, una de mis hijas me mando un texto hoy dia diciendo que esta comprometida. las dos de mis “hijas,” o sea, las que entrene en la mision como ser misionera, se van a casar antes que su madre! explicame eso!! ay carumba. pero esta bien. no soy la loca que casa en su ninez. jajaja.

no, es broma, estoy feliz por ellas. y mi dia llegara un dia tambien, al tiempo correcto.

ok. voy a parar ahora. y dejarlos con una foto de una familia guatemalteca y yo.. la grandota. jaja.


kmmbye!

December state of mind

oh.. what?

blog?

no, no. I… wait… I have one of those. it had completely slipped my mind. is it weird that it didn’t even occur to me once during the entirety of the past 2.5 weeks to even log in to this?
I mean didn’t even cross my mind.
I’ll answer that question for you: yes. it is weird. for me. sorry, December. you have my sincerest apologies.

why have I committed such a travesty? because it has been a rollercoaster of the highest highs and lowest lows I can recall in recent life history. my mind is entirely preoccupied.
to sum it up… I feel kind of like real life just turned into the Notebook in reverse + racism + long distance and including the conflicts… and I’d like to just put this question out into the universe…
why does it have to be so hard?!
it’s my own fault for always wanting nothing but something with some kind of an impossible obstacle, I suppose.
there always has to be an ” it’s perfect, but…” for me to really be into it, apparently. maybe because it’s safer that way. but it is not the time for giving up yet.

my current motto is: “Distance is just to see how far your love will travel.”

k.

and as a sidenote, just so you all know… contrary to popular belief, I’m actually a white girl. and there’s nothing I can do about it.

this is the kind of day for some Shakespeare.
yes, I think that would just hit the spot, actually.
so I’ll leave you with this:

CXVI

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

-William Shakespeare