eye dee kay.

I’m about to be frustratingly vague. stop now if you’re gonna be pissed about it. I’m not explaining. I just have to put this out in the universe right now.

I have a problem. it’s called… Ialwaysgetscared. it’s a disease. and I have it. and it doesn’t apply to the dark or to spiders or even to sharks (gah.)….
no, no.
this is when I have something great staring me in the face and I freeze up and automatically jump 10 months (or 10 years) ahead of myself. this is when I think about all the reasons why not and how inviting that potential pool filled with everything else looks. this is when I feel flattered and obligated and like I want to run screaming because I’m scared outta my freakin mind. inside.  I feel it, I see it happen.. and it is nigh uncontrollable.
this is actually probably a root problem of Ijumptoconclusions/aheadofmyself, which is accompanied by the common side effect.. fear. this is kind of like what I used to do when I’d be doing ten homework projects at 2am during high school and have a break down.. and my mom would have to bluntly sit me down and say, “you are stuck on the big picture. you need to eat the elephant one bite at a time.” why? because I fast-forward and project and absolutely overwhelm myself thinking about everything at once.
this is a problem of expecting perfection. this is my issue. this is my stumbling block.

and right now.. this is me feeling like one big

?

pwned.

today.. is one of these days:

racket

….hahahaha. man. I’m sorry, I can’t even keep a straight typing face. this picture cracks me UP. via here.

but really, it is one of those days. I paid the biggest speeding ticket of my life this morning. (originally costing $640.. hearing officer knocked it down to $540. oh. my. gosh. if I could type a gasping/choking/wheezing/dying sound… that would be what would go here. that’s called dying of throwing a huge fat chunk of my paycheck away to nothing. that highway patrol officer is scum.) and now I’m working allll night.

hi, Monday. good to see you too.

she’s a Mormon.

so.. there have been some things on my mind lately. will you allow me a ramble minute?
okay. I’m takin’ it. I don’t actually care if you give me permission or not. I don’t know what exactly is about to come out, but it’s typin’ time!

yesterday marked the day that I have been home exactly 9 months from my mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
that.. is weird.
half of the length of a sister missionary’s mission.. gone. bam! 2009 = fastest year of my life.
but I inadvertently celebrated it in the best possible way I could have hoped for. ready?….. story time!
a few months ago a new girl got hired on at work.. named Kat. she’s from party town Chico, CA and.. to get cliché on you.. has basically done it all. she is our resident drug expert because she knows everything about that lifestyle and what comes with it. it’s quite handy when you work at a substance abuse facility to have a sassy walking/talking drug encyclopedia. anyway, she is awesome.. but when I met her initially, she would have been one of the last people I would have expected to be receptive to anything church-related. and, you guessed it, I got owned in my perception. when will I learn that the least likely types are a surprise waiting to happen? they’ve seen the difference in the lack of happiness on the flip side. they can feel the light of the truth.
so anyway, it’s common knowledge at work that I’m a good little returned sister missionary who stays active in the church because.. it just is. well, unbeknownst to me, Kat had apparently been observing a a few of us who work here at our little crisis line who are active in the church. she told me that we were the reason she realized that Mormons could be normal people, as we are all so completely different, yet successfully live the same set of Gospel Principles within the realms of our own lives.
and then… she meets a guy– a returned missionary guy. guy is not currently active in the church, but she has curiosity. she and guy happen to be driving down a road in Clinton, UT while she is asking him questions.. and guess who they happen to see walking on the sidewalk? oh my… could it be?… the Elders?
yes it was. (my my my. what a coincidence!) guy pulls over and says, “ask them.” they say hello, make introductions, she finds out one of them is a convert to the church from California who also used to be Catholic and her interest is heightened even further.. she relates to him. they testify about the truth of the Gospel message and give her their number. a week later she calls them completely of her own accord, unbeknownst to guy, and sets up an appointment. when she tells me she met missionaries and has an appointment set up with them, I almost fall off my chair. I have that feeling where the corners of your mouth feel like they’re being reeled in by fishing lines on both sides, and they’re determined to smile whether you want them to or not.
Kat begins to ask me questions almost every shift we work together, and my little heart smiles every time I feel like I’m teaching the missionary lessons again. the Gospel is food for the soul of the teacher even more than it is for the soul of the student. it re-ignites the missionary flame inside of me, when the mission had felt like a dream that passed a long time ago.
when Kat tells me for sure that she has decided to get baptized on the 19th of September, I almost kick over the printer in my excitement. (but I don’t. stop looking at me like that.) she and guy stop dating, but this changes nothing for her because she knows this is true. and then I get humbled again when she tells me about baptismal program plans and asks me to speak on the Holy Ghost.
September 19th comes and I fight awful traffic to arrive 15 minutes late to the baptism. fortunately the man speaking about baptism decided to speak for about half an hour, so I make it. the service is sooo special. when her ex-Catholic missionary friend baptizes her, I feel overwhelmed in that moment with how sincere this covenant really is for her. she’s doing this for real, for the right reasons, and she has been changed. time for my talk.. it flows just like it’s supposed to when the Spirit is there to guide words. I remember what missionary fire feels like. this is what it’s all about: watching your brothers and sisters taste true happiness and then never want to let it go. she is already prepping her sister to meet the missionaries when she moves here in a month or two.
so Kat’s a Mormon.. and I couldn’t be happier for her!

what a beautifully stark contrast this experience has been to the other things that get thrown at me in my life, especially related to dating lately. it’s a good thing Heavenly Father keeps me grounded. He must love me or something.

and the moral of the story is…

don’t speed in construction zones, no matter how annoyed you are at the slow cars trapping you on all sides in a deliberate let’s-promote-road-rage-pack and you want nothing more than to break free and get past them, and no… not even if you are supposed to be to work in 9 minutes… or if both of those things happen at the same time.

there is a d-bag waiting for you.

POLICE20CAR20WITH20LIGHTS4-main_Full

😦

down with commuting.

oh, and one more thing.

I know, 2 posts in one day. I’m amazing. but I thought I should probably update you on the current sitch..
because my brief stint of returning to school was short-lived. for now.

I have officially withdrawn from school at the U as of yesterday, with an honest sense of relief.. why, you ask? well it ISN’T because I love my beloved alma mater ANY less. I’m red ’till I’m dead. but it’s because after having studied programs a little bit more, talking to friends in the field, and doing a bit of soul-searching.. I decided that a whole new 4-year bachelor’s degree on top of another is not exactly what the doctor ordered. (pah. that was accidental, but actually, if I had done that, I might has well have been GETTING a doctorate degree, for the amount of school it would have required. snaps for unplanned cleverness!)
I have discovered that, within the realm of graphic design, what really counts is a good portfolio (requiring, obviously, a solid knowledge of software and design principles) and networking.. not so much a 4-year degree from a prestigious university. AND I have been looking into the program at SLCC (a.k.a. SLLLICK!) and have learned that they actually have quite a good design program that seems to be just exactly what I am looking for. not to mention the amount of money I’ll be saving on tuition! (insert happy sound effect of choice here.) it will be a 2-year program, much more do-able and much less.. you know.. hopelessly daunting than a whole new 4-year stint that makes me feel like I’m starting from square one as a trembling little freshman.

my plan is to start there in January, after I have been able to purchase a laptop and all the necessary pricey software, and build up an online portfolio as I go, hopefully acquiring some small contracts and working my way up. I will be creating a website for my art within the next little while, so I hope you’ll all help me get my little name out there into the big world. scary, but yay for pursuing dreams!
now, doesn’t this feel better? …I completely agree.

coming to grips

ever since I served my 18 months in sunny, humid, sweltering Florida… my blood has thinned. and I mean that literally. a girl who worked in a blood lab who was in my student ward confirmed this scientific fact. blood actually gets thinner in warm climates. I used to be a champ in the cold.. I was reared in Utah where it goes all freezing from October to sometimes even May. I know about snow and ice (both black and white) and frost and hail and freezing rain and inversion and all those other inclement weather vocabulary terms. but now.. I am weak sauce. completely. absolutely. weak. sauce. (i.e. I am wrapped up in a blanket in my office as I write this post because it’s SO BLOODY COLD IN HERE!)
I can’t hack it anymore. and I just have been wanting and wanting for the summer to hold on and heat me.. to lay on more sand grains and let those rays sweep over me. to deepen and tone this bronze glow I have been working on.. (WHICH, by the way.. leaves SO frustratingly fast. why must it fade away so quickly? come on damaged skin cells! stay with me! I thought you loved me as much as I loved you!)
but now.. I am finally coming to grips. I have re-awoken to the realization that fall is my absolute favorite season.. it always has been. I love the colors, the leaves, the clothes, the smells, the feeling, the sports, the holidays, the inexplicable undertone of exciting promise that always dances around me as it approaches.. it’s beautiful.

thank you, fall.. autumn.. otoño.. whatever you want to call yourself.. for helping me love you again.. even if you drag ice behind you as you go, I shall enjoy your every lovely moment.