so. this is going to be a thought-release.
ever since I got home from my mission, and even during the ending period of it, I have been trying to figure out what to do with my life. it’s been the most awkward thing I’ve ever gone through –coming home.. to nothing. coming home to being a college grad with no school and no job. coming home to what felt like dual personalities of old Aubrey, and Hermana Wilkinson trying to balance themselves into a new combo version of Aubrey Wilkinson.
it was floating. it was big empty space. it was really this endless potential that scared the crap out of me every time I thought about the big white nothing that loomed on every side. and I’m not saying that sensation has gone away.. although it has diminished to some degree, and maybe turned a pale yellow color.. with categorized question marks. and I’m grateful for the limited stability my life has gained after 4 months. but I finally feel like I have to tackle this big burning question of what the future is going to hold for me, and stop shooting myself in the foot, so to speak.
as many of you know, I graduated in Psychology.
I don’t know why I did that.
I just loved my Psych 1010 class, figured everyone always told me their problems anyway, and I might as well get paid for it… I liked people. I still do. I find them fascinating. but really.. I did it because all of the things I was truly passionate about were hard. they seemed unreachable or impractical. and it scared me to think of the possibility that if I wasn’t THE best.. I might not be able to just get by on my raw talent alone (just ask my mom) and would have to fight really hard for something. it still does sometimes. I always have played that talk-myself-out-of-it game.. as in, here are all the reasons why this won’t work. Psychology seemed like something that would be more marketable.. more practical.. more “legit.”
but really, I love everything right-brained.. everything art and music-related. I love creating. I love design and lettering and photography and drawing. I love decorating. I love fashion. and I love to sing. I love to play. I love to listen. I love lyrics. I love all of those things that are supposed to be superfluous, self-expressive, and emotionally-affecting. (except scrap-booking. I hate scrap-booking.)
and lately it’s come to a head. I have to stop kidding myself. I’m not happy in this career. I don’t want to go on to be a therapist like I originally thought, and every possibility I consider of going on to grad school and studying something related to what I’ve done feels resoundingly unappealing and makes me frown inside. don’t get me wrong, I love helping people.. but I feel like I’m selling myself short on what is my one shot at life. I could do something I love and have to put myself out on a vulnerable limb all the time, or I could continue to be shut up in this cubicle in a little room with no windows, talking to people who are unsatisfied with their lives on the phone all day.
I’m choosing the first option. I have been looking into graphic art programs at the U.. and I think I’m going back next spring, as I’ve already missed the deadline for fall. I had been feeling ridiculous going back and starting over at this stage, but let’s get real for a second.. I’m still young, and now is always the right time.
and it’s interesting.. it seems like everything I come across right now is screaming at me that I should do what I need to do to do something I love. from stake conference to late-night conversations to billboards to quotes to other bloggers, the hints and answers to prayers are piling up. and today I found a post that inspired me.. I officially love this guy’s blog.
I’m finally owning up to myself.. and doing this.