facelift, son!

I decided my blog was due.. maybe even crying out for a makeover. .  it was lacking umph.

so I hope you like it.

maybe the tulips are putting me the mood for spring changes. I never realized how much I LOVE tulips until recently. and every time I go in my house, our yard smiles at me like it just splashed color into my bloodstream. it makes me feel good all over!

tulips

(note: I’m a cheater. this picture is not actually from my yard. I stole it from here, and who knows where he/she got it from.)

jumping off a cliff beats shooting yourself in the foot

so. this is going to be a thought-release.

ever since I got home from my mission, and even during the ending period of it, I have been trying to figure out what to do with my life. it’s been the most awkward thing I’ve ever gone through –coming home.. to nothing. coming home to being a college grad with no school and no job. coming home to what felt like dual personalities of old Aubrey, and Hermana Wilkinson trying to balance themselves into a new combo version of Aubrey Wilkinson.
it was floating. it was big empty space. it was really this endless potential that scared the crap out of me every time I thought about the big white nothing that loomed on every side. and I’m not saying that sensation has gone away.. although it has diminished to some degree, and maybe turned a pale yellow color.. with categorized question marks.  and I’m grateful for the limited stability my life has gained after 4 months. but I finally feel like I have to tackle this big burning question of what the future is going to hold for me, and stop shooting myself in the foot, so to speak.

as many of you know, I graduated in Psychology.
I don’t know why I did that.
I just loved my Psych 1010 class, figured everyone always told me their problems anyway, and I might as well get paid for it… I liked people. I still do. I find them fascinating. but really.. I did it because all of the things I was truly passionate about were hard. they seemed unreachable or impractical. and it scared me to think of the possibility that if I wasn’t THE best.. I might not be able to just get by on my raw talent alone (just ask my mom) and would have to fight really hard for something. it still does sometimes. I always have played that talk-myself-out-of-it game.. as in, here are all the reasons why this won’t work. Psychology seemed like something that would be more marketable.. more practical.. more “legit.”

but really, I love everything right-brained.. everything art and music-related. I love creating. I love design and lettering and photography and drawing. I love decorating. I love fashion. and I love to sing. I love to play. I love to listen. I love lyrics. I love all of those things that are supposed to be superfluous, self-expressive, and emotionally-affecting. (except scrap-booking. I hate scrap-booking.)

and lately it’s come to a head. I have to stop kidding myself. I’m not happy in this career. I don’t want to go on to be a therapist like I originally thought, and every possibility I consider of going on to grad school and studying something related to what I’ve done feels resoundingly unappealing and makes me frown inside. don’t get me wrong, I love helping people.. but I feel like I’m selling myself short on what is my one shot at life. I could do something I love and have to put myself out on a vulnerable limb all the time, or I could continue to be shut up in this cubicle in a little room with no windows, talking to people who are unsatisfied with their lives on the phone all day.

I’m choosing the first option. I have been looking into graphic art programs at the U.. and I think I’m going back next spring, as I’ve already missed the deadline for fall. I had been feeling ridiculous going back and starting over at this stage, but let’s get real for a second.. I’m still young, and now is always the right time.
and it’s interesting.. it seems like everything I come across right now is screaming at me that I should do what I need to do to do something I love. from stake conference to late-night conversations to billboards to quotes to other bloggers, the hints and answers to prayers are piling up. and today I found a post that inspired me.. I officially love this guy’s blog.

I’m finally owning up to myself.. and doing this.

the good, the worst, and the fugly

so this morning.. I celebrated Earth Day even though I forgot it was Earth Day.  so Happy Earth Day. I went for a lovely hike with my friend Bret up Adams Canyon, especially so he could take some photos of the spring run-off. and it was so beautiful.. and springy.. and snowy.. and wet.. and dirty.. and lung-burning.. and awesome.

a ver..

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the gorgeous falls.. and me with them. 🙂 they’re prettier in person. my camera phone only captures so much.

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yes, Bret is IN the water for the sake of the photo op. our feet were SO wet.

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and then I went from that..
to this:

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I am about this excited to be at work right now. especially with the earful I just got from the ornery lady at the hospital in Vegas. everyone likes to shoot the messenger. and load Aubrey up with projects the second she walks in the door. (it isn’t my co-workers’ fault, however. it was just one of those days..)

AND.
two days ago, I was with bff Cambria at her free photoshoot that she won.. pretty much as her handler and dog wrangler. (Cam, I still have your lip gloss and doggie biscuits in my car, p.s.) and we were moving from one parking lot to somewhere else.. so the photographer and Cam both backed out, and drove (against the flow of the super dumb confusing parking lot, I found out later) out the exit, but my car was in a spot that made it impossible to back out that way, so I backed out the “right” way, unaware that it was one of those one-way-flowing parking lots where the exit was around the bend, as I saw no signage. and I went up to a place where there were a few simultaneous empty spots, and went in to flip around so I could drive out and follow them, checked over my left shoulder.. good..  looked over my right shoulder and began to back up.. and next thing I know..
crunch.
and I see that I have hit a guy who snuck up on me from the left the exact second AFTER I checked over my left shoulder, only to stop directly behind me and perfectly position himself to be hit. wonderful. 
the car I was driving was okay, minus some marks left, but it’s an old P.O.S. anyway. (yeah ’93 Ford Escort. jealous? don’t be.) and his was a Nissan Sentra with a now significantly dented bumper. so pics were taken, info was exchanged.. calls were made, statements were given etc.. my insurance will cover it. he was nice enough to not call the cops. but who knows what happens to my monthly rate? I don’t yet. I hate ish like this.
SO. phone one week.. car the next..
what is the major electrical part of my life that’s going to be screwed over by my idiotic accidents next week? I guess we will see!

thank heavens I hadn’t bought a new car yet.
I still love spring.

WHYYYYYYYYY?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM CRYING RIGHT NOW!!!!!! WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME?!?!

I just got a brand new phone yesterday.. an awesome-sick Samsung Omnia, as pictured here:

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and at work just barely I went to use the restroom, and I had it in my sweater pocket….

(I know you are guessing what’s about to come next)

IT FELL IN THE FREAKING TOILET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *%&#**(%^()#)$)(^&#)@()%#()^&*#)#*$)#&*%)_#*^)#!!!!!!!!

I JUST GOT IT YESTERDAY! it should have been safe in my SWEATER pocket!

I hate my life.

(yes I bought insurance. that kicks in after 30 days and a $50 deductible.)

and now.. freakin Verizon won’t even let me switch my number over to my old one cuz the website is sucking at life and I am not the main account person so I can’t do it on the phone. (it’s a family plan.)

end result? me phoneless and pissed.

post-tragedy update: the phone is a STALLION and still works after a good dry out, post-dip. yes, you little omnia… how I love you.

tell her what’s she’s won, Bob!

I should maybe stop acting before I consider consequences.. or just consider consequences more seriously.

remember the sunburn? or rather, the tanning bed bulb-burn?
now I’m peeling like a banana. and it’s gross. and you get to know that.. although you wouldn’t be able to tell just by looking at me, as, of course, my face got no color and my arms and legs look only slightly more tan.

remember my last poem that I posted?
I could be over-analyzing, but it feels like everything is rapidly deflating underneath me. and I wish I didn’t tell people things sometimes.

remember how this weekend was my birthday and a holiday?
well so does my caloric intake.. and my body’s pissed.
actually, I’m pissed at my body for liking it.

remember how I’m a shop-a-holic and I’ve bought new clothes like I was supporting the economy single-handedly lately?
well now I remember that I really want a new car and a trip to Europe and New Zealand and should probably be SAVING it. man. I am such a bad saver!
I am, however, debt free.. unlike my friend with whom I am currently having a text convo about his $15 Gs worth of debt. whoa. bess.
I suddenly feel a little bit better.

in other news… my birthday was AWES!!

  • Cam, Beau, Erica, Andee, Brian, and Camille are the bomb and all came to celebrate with me
  • I maybe watched a total of half an inning of the Bee’s Game we went to because I was distracted talking or dancing.. but it was so fun anyway
  • I found out that I got hotter for my birthday
    — sub category story time: as we are walking up to whatever the ballpark’s called now, I saw this guy I used to go to college with at USU who also lived in Bullen Hall on campus, where all the mayhem went down. we made eye contact, both did the freak-out-I-just-saw-someone-from-so-long ago thing and he gave me a big hug. so Cam, doing her best friend duty, runs up and says, “it’s her birthday today!!” and he goes, “really?! you’re going to the Bee’s Game on your birthday? see, THAT’s why we’re friends!” (we haven’t seen each other in like 5 years, minimum.) then another guy who also lived in the building with us was like, “Aubrey?!?” and I said hi to him too, and he said, “you look different.” so first guy chimes in, “she got hotter huh?!!!?”
    awkward. in a big circle of their friends. was that like a compliment and an insult all rolled into one? so I composedly laughed and said I did what I could, and then he told me to find him on facebook. too bad I don’t remember his real name except for the nickname everybody called him in college. woops. no dice.
  • I found my new favorite restaurant.. which would be Tepanyaki. holy. moly. I am in love. it’s this Japanese steakhouse where they cook in front of you and it blew my mind.
  • the chef made me feel like a performing seal, throwing probably six shrimp pieces at me and making me awkwardly gape after them with my mouth. (but I caught I think 4 out of 6. yusss.)
  • I got the coolest birthday candle. a stacked onion lit on fire that created a giant flame torch and that I had to try and blow out.
  • the night was peppered with amusing drunk people. there was the guy at the game who turned around to be a pervert while his wife condoned his actions when we made a joke about the player in front of us warming his arm up (yeah! work that arm!).. then his wife being overly chatty and trying to get Dominican players who didn’t speak English to give her a ball for her son. then there was the table next to us at Tepanyaki that was filled with a combo of 5 middle-aged ladies and 3 young budding alcoholics who played drinking games all night. to see the looks on the old woman’s face directly across from them at their table was priceless.. and even our waitress straight up said they were getting totally wasted and she didn’t exactly know what to do with them. but then they all drove home drunk, which irked me a lot. and we couldn’t get anybody to answer on any police numbers to report them.

I will probably come back and add pictures to this post. but as I am at work (it is totally dead tonight. my co-worker is napping with her head facedown on her desk), they are not handy.

happy Monday evening

you see, what’s happening here is…

I’m working till 11pm for the second night in a row. and you know what else? I WOULD be working until 11pm tomorrow night, Friday night, if it weren’t for one detail that my supervisor was kind enough to understand about my life and the travesty working tomorrow night would be, and switched the schedule so I’d be back here 8 hours later instead. and that detail would be.. that I’m heading into my mid-twenties like some sort of bullet.
yes. you heard me right. in about 2 and a half hours I won’t be able to claim 23 any longer.. it’s 24 from here on out. and it sort of makes me feel like my stomach just bubbled to think about it.

I don’t know.. this could be a happy stomach bubble. all I know is that it’s there. and I’m unsure about how to combat it.

I just think to myself, “thank the stars that my grandma still doesn’t think I’m too old to send me grape flavored roll-on lip gloss and pink m&m’s in the mail for Easter,” and apply another coat. 
because all I’ve heard for days is, “Aubrey! you’re old!” or some variation thereon. curse you, Utah, for warping people’s normal age senses!

let’s talk about something else for a second.

my body hurts. like everywhere in the core region is burning. why? because I want skin cancer. give me skin cancer!!!! 
I hit up the tanning bed for the first time in 2 years in an attempt to build a post-mission base tan for Lake Powell next month (YES!) and my everything hates me for it right now. but just you wait.. my everything will love me when I’m basking on that house boat. but until that day.. my clothes are my current worst enemy.

also. I decided I still have a lot to learn about blogging. I don’t understand the jargon that the experts use.

kbye.

you make me merry, make me very very happy

these levels can only be described as.. remarkable.
and when I say levels, what I mean is chemistry;
and when I say chemistry,
               what I mean is
     the way somebody gets you like he wrote your owner’s manual,
     and he listens to every word with his mind on record, so it sinks deep and 
            he remembers,
     and he makes you feel like you’re so worth it, you forget why you’d ever
            think otherwise;
     and he makes you laugh your real laugh,
     and he gives you perspective when he makes you feel better while
            you walk through hell or just spill your milk.
     and you want him to know everything about you,
            and he wants to;
     and you’ve never felt connected like this,
     or felt like someone cared this much in this way,
     or watched someone put himself out there like he does
            for you;
     and you think he’s beautiful inside, and you want to show it outside,
            but you don’t know how.
     and the way he looks at you makes on-lookers’ knees weak,
     and he’s real all the time so you know you can be,
     and he talks about the future with you in it,
     and you realize it’s the first time you’ve ever actually been able to picture
             just that,
     whether it’s right or not.
but you don’t want to jump to conclusions. and you’re a little scared to even 
             think it
         –a little terrified of the possible letdown.
you just wish August here harder
            and hold out for Mondays.
don’t listen to them, and try not to psych yourself out.