this post is kind of a vent that I may or may not delete tomorrow.
a question to ponder: what do you do when you realize you’ve fallen for your friend?
I’ve been in denial, but it’s time for owning up to myself. and I ‘m pretty sure that I’m pretty not sure what to do in this situation.. because the one I wish I could read like a book, happens to be living a movie instead. and it appears that the script and character motives are known only to the director.
I find it almost impossible to figure out what he is thinking most of the time.. but there are so many moments when I think he is on the same page, despite my efforts to take everything at face-value.
anyway, I won’t go into the details about why I think this potential relationship would be so good, because I might destroy the anonymity I desire. and I have enough really good guy friends for this to remain a question mark if I don’t share details, in case said party happens to read the post.
but I want you, reader, to understand that it would be good.
and now you are asking yourself, “well it if would be so good, what’s the problem?”
here are the issues:
- I don’t want to deal with the awkwardness of a rejected attempt which could definitely lead to a friendship wedge (but I also think I may spend the aftermath always wondering if it COULD have worked out).
- I am not a make-the-first-move kind of girl. I hate that kind of vulnerability. I’m just good at facilitating the opportunity for THEM to make the move. I’ve kissed a slightly embarrassingly high number of guys without ever making the first move.
- and not only do I have a fear of it.. in all my observations, it does NOT work when a girl makes the moves — I don’t care what the dating magazines say about girls taking control. I’m not sure why this is, but I speculate it’s because the challenge and/or respect is gone, and therefore, the interest of the guy goes with it.
- the person in question is definitely not the shy type.. which makes me think he would be bold enough to make a move if he felt so inclined; but I have never actually watched him go in for the kill, so to speak, and so I don’t know what to expect. I also wonder if he has the classic ruin-the-friendship reservations (though I think this is usually just code for, “not that into you.”)
- I have this incredible tendency to play the role of the best friend.. the cool non-girlfriend you tell everything to about the girl you actually like.. and often consider to be “one of the guys.” this kills my confidence in relationships flowering from friendships.
lastly.. I’ve never noticed the number of I-wish-my-friend-was-more-than-a-friend media material out there until recently, for obvious reasons. and I found this song lyrically appropriate.
okay.. I’m done. you are free to dump your advice on me now.