Remembering Brittney

Yesterday I received some absolutely devastating news. I found out that one of my amazing students passed away at St. Mark’s Hospital on Saturday at only 19 years old due to Pneumonia. I could not get ahold of myself yesterday to stop the flow of tears that kept coming throughout the day. I feel like I’ve lost a child or something. After some intensive prayer, I was finally able to feel some peace yesterday evening. And I’ve been a mixture of happy and sad as I’ve reflected back on my memories of her. But since all of my memories of her are happy, I am feeling blessed to have had the chance to get close to her. I’m grateful for my knowledge of the Plan of Salvation and knowing that this isn’t the end. She’s just on the other side now. But it’s startling and it has caused me to reflect on what a precious gift life is.. and the people that are in mine. I’m especially grateful right now for every student I’ve had the opportunity to teach and for the bonds and friendships I’ve made. Today, I was asked to contribute a memory or two of her for her eulogy. It turns out writing something for a eulogy is pretty hard, and I’m sure I wrote too much. But here’s what I came up with:

Brittney Crowder… how do I say this? How do I write a ray of sunshine? From the first second she entered into my classroom I knew she was special. Brittney walked in with a big sparkling smile on her face and introduced herself and my first thought was, “this has to be one of the most polite girls I’ve ever met.” And when the woman who claimed to be her “sister” (a.k.a. mother), Cassandra came in, and the sarcastic banter between them began, I knew teaching them was gonna be a hilarious ride. And it was. They kept us all laughing. Probably the funniest part about it was hearing this typically sweet, happy girl throw out sarcastic zingers and smack talk in every classroom game as soon as it got competitive.

But one thing I’ll never forget about Brittney was her selfless attitude. She apologized more than anybody I’ve ever met because she put everyone before herself, never wanting to inconvenience anyone. She never ever failed to ask me about my day or my life or what I did over the weekend — not once. She was consistently helping everyone around her. She was one of the smartest students I’ve had, and she knew all the answers to my questions in class. I was always impressed by her ability to retain information. But she held back from taking over because she wanted others in the class to have a chance to participate too. It was so funny to watch her when my students played a speed vocabulary game, because she always knew the answer first, but she would slowly and carefully write the word out in fancy lettering so it wouldn’t be such an obviously hard beating. And then she would doodle her name or my name on the board while she waited.

Brittney was positive, she was funny, she was witty, she had a brilliant white smile that lit up everything. She had an easy and contagious laugh, and she radiated happiness, despite all the hard and terrible things she occasionally alluded to that she had experienced in her young life. She was focused and knew what was important. She was creative and she never held back expressing her love with words and hugs and gifts and notes. She was thoughtful and aware. She was never too busy to help or to stop and talk. She was respectful and considerate. And she had an impact on everyone she came into contact with simply because she cared about them. And there was a maturity in her beyond her years. I think, even though she only spent a short few years on the earth, she fit a lot of living into them.

My favorite memory of Brittney is probably when she took it upon herself to make a video for the Medical Administrative Assistant program in order to recruit more people to enroll. She re-wrote the lyrics to LMFAO’s “Party Rock Anthem,” and Cali Swag District’s “Teach Me How to Dougie.”

One day on break in class we decided we’d teach one of the other students how to do some dance moves like the Jerk, along with the Cat Daddy and the Reject and the Dip and Crumping.  And then we taught the Dougie to the Career Services Department. She filmed it for the video and we laughed our guts out every time we watched it. And then she made me rap her “Teach Me How to Dougie” lyrics, which she revised to “Teach Me How to Study,”… into her phone… with my earbuds in to hear the beat of the song. It was one of the funniest moments ever, sitting in the computer lab, getting my white girl rap swag on. And then she told me I sounded like Lady Sovereign and had a legit rap career ahead of me. Ha ha!

I keep imagining she’ll walk through the door again with her hood on and her headphones in and her big smile asking me how I am. I absolutely love Brittney. She truly became my dear friend over the course of her time at Everest, and will always hold a special place in my heart as one of my favorite people. It feels like she’s gone way too soon, but I know she’s up in heaven radiating that same happiness and love she was famous for here, laughing and exchanging stories with everyone around her… and maybe even teaching them how to Dougie.

I’m on a roll…

on my other blog, that is. my art portfolio blog. I put up several pieces and posts tonight. I know… GO ME!

if you want to have a look, here it is: http://aubreywilkart.wordpress.com/

peace and blessins, ya’ll.. peace and blessins.

hey MLK, I have a dream too..

it’s Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. an advocate for tolerance and equality.. a truly great historical figure in standing up for humanity. I have always held a deep and resounding respect for his impact on society in America and the voice he gave to black Americans everywhere that still echoes today.. the voice that now represents equality for all races. I love his ideals and his oft-quoted line, “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.”

well, MLK… I have a dream too. I daily realize that, despite everyone’s best wishes and delusions, racism is not dead in our world. it is alive and well. and though white people have always been viewed as the big bad perpetrators.. it comes from all sides. I am not excusing my race, because our actions throughout history have been atrocious.. and many attitudes against white people stem from actions long sustained throughout history. but I frequently feel discriminated against.. by those who are not of my race (or, in another can of worms, who are not of my gender).. when I have not been the one to commit a wrong against an individual or an overall race.

I work with a very diverse population of students, which brings a lot of exposure to different challenges and beliefs and points of view. I also have a diverse group of friends that come from different places and ideas. and I follow many people of various backgrounds on Twitter. my timeline is always full of the strangest mixture of comments and pictures and articles. but the most interesting and sad comments to me are the blanket statements and judgments and stereotypes and categorizations and especially the elitist attitudes based on race, religion, ethnicity, sex, sexual orientation, and social status.

this has always been my soapbox issue — my biggest pet peeve. passing judgment on another person just because they fit into a certain “category” in our minds is absolutely ridiculous.. but it is, admittedly, human nature. basic psychology: our brains process information in the form of snap judgment in order to allow us to function efficiently. yet I still hate it. obviously everyone does it to an extent.. it’s nearly inevitable. but blatant prejudice against a certain group of people for no legitimate reason is unacceptable to me.

why do we have to talk about someone as “the black dude,” or “the poly girl,” or “the Mexican,” or “the gay guy,” or… you knew it was coming… “the white girl?” in most cases, what does that have to do with anything? does that characteristic honestly affect the story that you’re telling or the comment that you’re making? it really can’t just be “the guy,” or “the girl?” or.. if you’re gonna get really crazy.. his/her name?

it doesn’t take long reading my blog to realize that I’m engaged to someone of a different race and culture and ethnic background. he is brown and I am white.. and you can imagine the emphasis that basic difference between us places on race in our relationship. within his culture there is a word to describe my race: palangi. it is not necessarily an offensive word.. it just means a white person. but when anyone in his life talks to him about me, without fail, I am “the palangi.” I’ll always be his “palangi fiancee” or his “palangi wife.” I can’t just be his wife.. they usually don’t even know or call me by my name. my race will forever be my identifier.

now please don’t think I am writing this to bash any one particular culture or to point fingers… I completely love my fiancee and his family and his culture. I am merely using it as an example of a little thing that can have an impact on how how someone feels. and to go a step further, I have even been dumped for being white before. it’s not awesome to be dumped by the person you love for something you can do absolutely nothing about. regardless of the way I feel on the inside, the closest I can ever come to a different skin color is looking like a Cheeto with a Snooki spray tan. and recent events in my life in the past few months have stirred up pain from that past event (in my dating life, not with Snooki) which have hit pretty close to home.

the bottom line is… we are humans. we are brothers and sisters because we’re all members of the human race.
when did it become more important to match skin tones and cultural traditions than it did to love and accept people?
why do we find it necessary to perpetuate attitudes and judgments that injure those around us and blind us to the point of possibly preventing some of the greatest friends/relationships we could have in our lives?
I ask these questions to myself as well, because I am by no means perfect. I am guilty too. but if I reflect, personally, my diverse group of friends has been a huge blessing to me, and so educational. stepping outside my bubble to look through different windows and realize that other thought patterns, other ways of life, and other approaches to dealing with people can be just as good, or better, than my own, has shaped me as a person.

also, I know I have a good life. I haven’t lived in extreme struggle or hunger or terror, but I come from my own set of challenges that maybe another person wouldn’t be aware of. I am still a human being too. being white doesn’t make me bad or inherently spoiled or unable to understand someone. I have a long way to go and much to learn, but I’m determined not to do it with biased blinders on.

I have a dream, too, Mr. King, that someday people of other races and cultures will judge ME not by the color of my skin, but by the content of my character.. as I try to do the same for those I encounter.

and may that dream of yours continue to be carried forward until it finally becomes a reality, because.. essentially, the point of this post is..
racism sucks.

the end.

“For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.”

so… the last time we spoke, life was good. or so I thought..

but it’s funny how, just when you think things are going right, they have a way of flipping upside down on you. completely. like boom, bye bye.

in a period of about 3 weeks, the following happened:

• my wedding has been postponed indefinitely due to personal family things that won’t be shared here
• as a result, you can imagine the hellish strain/stress it has put on my relationship with my fiance and both of us individually.. again, too personal to elaborate here
• my place of employment decided they are closing the program that I’ve been teaching for the past couple of years and switching me over to another program, thereby switching my schedule
• because my schedule was changed, it made it impossible for me to continue going to school according to the schedule I had planned
• as a result, I had to drop all of my classes and try to scrounge up a couple of last-minute evening classes so I could continue school at all
• and to top it all off, my car got hit the in the parking lot at work, which started out as a hit-and-run, but thanks to a witness, we were able to track down the driver (now whether or not I can get the insurance to call me back about the claim is another question)

so.. maybe you can understand why my heart has been heavy as of late. I am suddenly left with nothing stable in my life to hold onto except family and friends.

(although, M has asked me to make a trip to Tonga in the spring to spend time with his family, so that would be a little bright spot in everything, if it works.)

but the only explanation I can imagine for all of this is that the Lord has a different plan for me than I had.. and his timing is not mine. honestly, at this point, I have no idea what is going to happen or how things are going to work out.. and I don’t know why my entire world has been yanked out from under me.

the feeling I keep getting when praying for peace and answers is that I just need to be patient, have faith, and wait on the Lord. that is easier said than done, but I have little to no control anyway, so I’ve come to the point of being okay with however this works out. (despite what I wish.)

never thought I’d wish I could just go back to the “simplicity” of just having problems with immigration laws and who to hire as a wedding photographer..

anyway, I just thought I should at least make some type of announcement that my wedding will no longer be happening on April 5th.. and if it does happen, it most likely won’t be happening in New Zealand after all.

we’ll see how this goes.. prayers and positive vibes appreciated.

and while I greatly appreciate the outpouring of love and support, I don’t really want to talk about all the little gory details of our private struggles with everyone, and having to hash through all of it over and over with different people’s opinions doesn’t help me. love in the form of distractions is much better. 

(also, maybe it was a bad idea to watch 2 hours of “Say Yes to the Dress” till it brought me to tears tonight? haha. I’m… super pathetic. don’t judge!)

here’s a quote from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland that is striking a chord with me tonight:

“Fighting through darkness and despair and pleading for the light is what opened this dispensation. It is what keeps it going, and it is what will keep you going…

I acknowledge the reality of opposition and adversity, but I bear witness of the God of glory, of the redeeming Son of God, of light and hope and a bright future. I promise you that God lives and loves you, each one of you, and that He has set bounds and limits to the opposing powers of darkness. I testify that Jesus is the Christ, the victor over death and hell and the fallen one who schemes there. The gospel of Jesus Christ is true, and it has been restored.

‘Fear ye not.’ And when the second and third and fourth blows come, ‘fear ye not. … The Lord shall fight for you.’ ¹⁶ Cast not away therefore your confidence.”

loves. <3

the big news

my apologies to Lori, but I’d like to interrupt this inconsistent stream of one New Zealand travel log to actually post my big news on my blog.. because it’s consuming my life, so I figure it’s pretty much the biggest thing that’s ever happened to me.
actually.. I don’t figure. I know it is.

are you ready?

okay.

I’M GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

everyone in my close association is already aware of this fact, but YOU.. internets.. might not be! so in the interest of information, here is my happiness being shared with the world!

and here is our save-the-date:

and because I enjoy using my blog as something of a journal for later in life.. here are the FAQ’s about our relationship:

Is he from New Zealand?
No, he is from Tonga. He lives in New Zealand with his brother and is working there.

How did you meet a Tongan in New Zealand?
We served together on our missions. No, we never really served around each other so we did not know each other well on the mission. We only met a couple of times at zone conferences and then reconnected 3 years later and it turns out that he is the man of my dreams. I visited him in New Zealand last month. We have been together for 7 months now, and will have been dating for a year by the time we get married.

Will you live in New Zealand?
Yes, the plan is for me to live with him in New Zealand until he gets his green card and we can come back to the states. The immigration lawyer I spoke with told me that the process usually takes 9 months to a year. However, that entire plan hinges on whether or not he gets his work permit in New Zealand to come through or not within the next couple of months. If he doesn’t get his work permit, we will still get married in NZ in April, but he will have to go back to Tonga soon after that. I will either go to Tonga or, more likely, come back to the states to work and establish a life here so he can join me as soon as possible. (yayyyyy immigration! *fail trombone*)

Why are you getting married in New Zealand instead of the states?
Because we have looked at all of the options for visas to get him here, from visitor’s visas to fiance visas to student visas, and all of those options are so expensive or time-consuming or difficult to get that it just isn’t going to work out that way. After much research and discussion, our option boiled down to getting married in New Zealand as the best (and only) way. I know… my life is REALLY rough.

Will you be having a reception in Utah?
We will be having an open house in Utah once we are able to get back to the states. Because it could be up to a year after the fact, we probably won’t call it a “reception,” but we will have some kind of event so everybody can meet him and celebrate with us.

Is your family going?
My parents are coming for sure and they are working on getting my siblings there if possible. We’ll see how costs work out with expensive plane tickets.

Can you work in New Zealand?
I can’t unless I get a work permit, which basically requires a job offer and a lot of paperwork and time waiting for immigration to approve it. I can if all that works out, but if not I’ll just be living with him there as a good little housewife.

How did the engagement happen?
The actual proposal and ring part won’t happen until a few weeks before the wedding when I can get back over there. We figured when we had our temple sealing officially booked then we were pretty much officially engaged and we better start announcing it. in other words, we are engaged by date. So the ring/proposal part is still to come.

and I love him.

now.. all this being said, I have a question. because I need some validation.

is it normal that I feel like I am losing it?
I mean..
back up the info truck.
I am going to school and working full-time, am still in the process of recovering from what we think was pneumonia, am planning an international wedding (i.e. about 100 times more stressful than planning a wedding where you actually live), planning a move across the world, and dealing with immigration. I am stressed and oversensitive and exhausted.
I have gathered from friends and family and hearsay that it’s normal for brides to be.. overwhelmed?
estressed?
cray cray?
when wedding planning…
but  I feel like I need to get my act together.
and I just want this semester to be over because my head’s totally somewhere else.
please tell me I’m normal.
..whatever that means.

okay, that’s all.

you may carry on with your lives having just been made a little happier by this bit of sunshine from my world.

guys.. I get to marry my hot Tongan husband in New Zealand!!! my dreams are coming true!
ahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
pinch me!

actually, don’t. we’ll just pretend you did in case you wake me up from a really long detailed dream that I’d rather not be woken from. can’t be too careful.

the best 10 days of my life: New Zealand edition… days 1 and 2

wow. 16000+ views? I’m super flattered, interwebs. I guess I better post something worth reading since you keep coming back for more.

are you ready for this?
really, though?

I mean.. this literally changed pretty much everything about my life so I figure it’s pretty heavy.

yes?

okay, if you’re sure…

well, you’ve seen for months now that I’ve been mentioning my upcoming trip to New Zealand (here on out referred to as NZ) in October. and now it’s the end of October. that means I’ve been home for a little over a week now. (fail trombone.)

why am I home, you ask?

I wish I knew the answer to that question.. because somehow trivial everyday life seems empty and meaningless post-NZ.

I know… “Aubrey, stop being so dramatic.”

but this is legit. you would feel empty and meaningless if your other half was on the other side of the world too.

so, since everyone asks, I’ll begin with the airport. let’s not even talk about the 24-32 hours of travel. suckfest 5000. fast forward to the good stuff. the NZ airport has a visitor area after you’ve already gone through baggage claim and customs and everything. they were SO slow getting everyone through, so apparently poor Mote was standing there waiting for me for more than 30 minutes. I walk out the doors and am instantly uncomfortable because they have it set up like a stage. the people waiting to pick up their respective passengers are all sitting on benches/chairs facing these electronic double doors that you walk out of by yourself because you just got through customs all by your lonesome.. you’ve been on 3 planes across the world for..years.. and lo and behold, errbody is staring at you.

…

hiiiiiiii…

so I’m attempting to scan the crowd for Mote’s face, but quickly moving to the side of the crowd so everyone will stop staring at ME.

I don’t see him.

I move around to the back, scanning every face… no Mote.

I start to panic.

I am in NEW ZEALAND.. this is not a quick little jaunt for kicks.. this is a foreign country. what if he isn’t here?!

attempting to keep myself calm, I keep looking around and through the crowd.. standing awkwardly with my bags and hoping he will magically appear..

finally, I turn around.. and there he is. right behind me. we make eye contact and relief floods over me. I run at him and throw my arms around his neck and knock his hat off. he hugs me tight and I can already tell that I have found my new favorite spot to be in the world.. and he tells me that he took a potty break right when I came out, apparently, and didn’t know I was there.
(sidenote: in NZ they call it the “toilet,” not the bathroom. they’ll look at you weird if you call it the bathroom. luckily I already knew this. and also.. Mote is not from New Zealand. he is from Tonga. but he learned English in America, so he calls it the bathroom.)
anyway, we called the rental car company and walked to where we were supposed to meet them.. and that’s when he kissed me for the first time. it was over.

that night, we went back to his brother’s house.. I briefly met the fam (I think it was amusing that everybody seemed surprised about how “gorgeous” I was. like.. did you think I was gonna be ug? but still flattering.) and I showered real quick and we set back out for some dinner with his brother and his wife, Sieli. I, regrettably, was still not functioning on all cylinders and forgot my camera like a champ. no photos were taken. but we went to the Sky Tower in downtown Auckland for dinner and hung out there at the casino for a bit.. I realized, again, that I do not speak Tongan. so that was a feeling I became used to over the course of the week.. given that most of the people in his life DO speak it. he often would forget that I didn’t know what was going on and expect me to be ready for whatever we were doing.. and I would look lost.. and he would say, “oh!” and then laugh and explain. luckily, however, his bro and sis-in-law also speak English, so I could still communicate.

okay enough with verbose intros.

I know a lot of you already Facebook stalked, but the rest of you are probably here for this.. here come the pics! (I took 500+. I won’t be posting them all. sorry ’bout it.)

the next day we got up in the morning for the LDS General Conference. (in the states, it had been broadcast the week earlier, but since NZ is a day ahead, they wait a week to watch it because their Monday is our Sunday.) our first pic together:

after conference we chilled for a bit and then packed up some overnight bags and got on the road to Hamilton, a little over an hour away. (he lives in Auckland.) the whole drive was gorgeous because.. well.. NZ is GORGEOUS!!!!!!!!!!

seriously guys, interlude for a second for me to exclaim about the beauty: everywhere you look is pretty!! it was breathtaking. the views of the city.. the bay.. the lights.. the rolling hills of green.. (SO GREEN!!!) the foliage.. the everything! I was like, “really?!?!” okay. end of interlude.

so we meet up with my favorite comp from the mission and her husby there.. you may remember the famous Nonoa.. who I should now call Audrey because she is no longer a Nonoa, she is a Pere.. but whatevs. love her.

this photo was actually from the next day, but it fits the flow, so it’s going here.

we meet the sister missionaries, they hear about our mission connection.. the looks on their faces are priceless when Mote and I kiss before he went to the car to grab something and we were heading inside the visitor’s center. hahaha. like, looks of surprise and then, “met on the mission, eh????”
(don’t worry, world. we barely knew each other as missionaries. we only met once or twice at zone conferences. we never served around each other. we keep it approp. in this piece!!)

anyway, we tour the visitor’s center and see the temple and then head back to the Pere’s for some grub and the All Blacks/Argentina game.

oh wait, first we stopped to meet her darling mom and pretty much a thousand aunts and uncles and friends who were all preparing for a funeral.. none of whom I can even slightly remember. but they were all super nice. THEN the house for food and the game.

Mote taught me some rugby, since I was heretofore mostly clueless about that game. I knew I liked the men involved.. (like him.) but I have wayyyy more knowledge about american football than rugby. anyway, I learned stuff. this entire trip was rugby saturated because it was the rugby world cup while I was there. it was amazing to see all the entire country get so into it. flags and decorations and paint and decked out cars and signs EVERYWHERE!

I just noticed that I am the only one on a brown body. will someone giggle at the irony with me?
 the last two photos are also from the next day in Hamilton but I’m a rebel and I do what I want.

so… I abruptly just decided I’m gonna post about my trip in increments, because otherwise it will take me like 6 hours to write one post. that’s not happening. I have a midterm in the morning. so that concludes the first two days.

(I promise the next one will be real soon. don’t throw fruit.)

 

back to life.. back to reality..

hello dear friends.

not that I wanna give excuses for so severely pushing the blog to the back burner… but…

holy cow. life be CRAZY up in this piece, homies.

in case anybody missed the memo…. since I… actually haven’t posted it on the blog, so unless you know me in real life, you would have missed it…. I’m HOME! I said goodbye to Texas a week ago and Utah has opened its non-humid arms to welcome me in, and then swallowed me whole.

and I mean that in the most literal sense, because I haven’t even had time to unpack until today. I only finished doing that like.. 1.5 hours ago. can I get a HALLELUJAH for no more suitcase living?!

…………………………*crickets*………………………………………………………………………………

FINE you guyz.. I’ll do it myself. HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!

geez.

haters.

so to summarize things,

I packed up, cleaned, got my Volvo fixed only just in time (after nearly the whole FREAKING summer. F that noise.), said goodbye to my Del Sol friends

and to this:

and drove. (Texas, outside of the cities, was ug. especially West Texas. no pics were taken.)

after most of the day, we made it across Texas to El Paso, almost got STUCK in El Paso because Lisa’s car was upset about driving too fast, so after much anxiety-ridden deliberation and inspection at Firestone, we drove slower and made it to Albuquerque, stayed the night in the most comfortable hotel beds ever, and drove.

and drove.

made pit stops, complete with bathroom stall reading:

what’s better than a rose on your piano?
tulips on my organ.

………….

ahem.

and drove.

and then New Mexico started getting real pretty. and I started loving the scenery.

but then I remembered that I had been driving for TWO DAYS straight and that my book on CD (“The Color Purple” -weird/sad/raw/interesting/gross/good) was long over and that I wanted to kill myself.

and I drove.

until finally…

so what did I do?

I drove some more.

I mean seriously guyz, I swear was suffering like a freaking pioneer by myself in that air-conditioned luxury sedan with all of my many possessions jammed in all around me eating treats and drinking Coke Zero. skraight up torture.

anyway, you get my point. I finally made it. went straight to Gram’s for a little family partying, and then home at last. but I started work the next day and school on Wednesday, so pretty much I don’t know what I was thinking doing that to myself, because by the time Friday rolled around I was so dead that I probably looked like a zombie.

but don’t get me wrong… the busyness is not all just from suck. it’s from fun stuff too. like hangin with fam, seeing friends, going to a concert, watching Jersey Shore (ha), going to Ute Fan Fest 2011 and meeting the football players.. my life is not bad, guyz.

now somebody help me not feel overwhelmed when I think about school and work equaling 12 hours gone M-F.

but probably the most exciting part of my life?

40. days.

that’s how many until I go to freaking NEW ZEALAND, to see my love.

yep.

and I have never been more excited/anxious for anything in my life.

okay so…. now it’s somehow 1:15am? what? I’m going to freaking sleep.

goodnight boys and girls.

I love you.

xoxo

The Truth About Happily Ever After

The truth about happily ever after
is the part you forgot to include
in all your make believe moments.
Sometimes Ken’s job isn’t awesome
and Barbie’s love handles hang over her jeans
while they bicker about nothing
because Barbie has PMS
and Ken’s got his grouch on.

Sometimes you look at what’s standing in the way of “us,”
and you want to cry a little
because happily ever after’s gonna be hard.
and you know you “knew” that,
but no one really knows that
until it’s breathing in their face.
And it’s still the perfection you saw
from far away and way back when,
but up close you can see
the cracks
and holes
and tears
and gaps
that a distant view didn’t prepare you for.

And you find out you’re not actually a Disney princess,
but you’re his princess.
And it’s worth it.

The fairy tale is that he’s the only one
who can make your heart hit your lips when you see him,
and when he says, “Babe! Love you more!”
you feel like your smile is pulsing through your entire body
and nothing could ever make you sad again
as long as he’s there.

It’s that moment when you start to panic
when you haven’t heard from him
after a fight
and you realize you’d be an empty shell
with a discarded shredded heart
if you lost him
and then he calls,
and you’re so happy, you cry.

It’s when you realize he’s giving up his whole world
just to be with you,
and it hits you that you’re ready to do the same
just to be with him.
It’s when you picture every tomorrow
with him in it–
even old, fat, wrinkled, and beyond.

It’s that, even when you argue,
you always say, “I love you”
before goodbye or goodnight.
And missing him makes it hard to breathe.
And he makes you laugh till your face hurts,
and you do the same.
And you know you’re #1 in his world.

That’s the fairy tale…
happily ever after is messy and complicated…
but it’s supposed to be,
because all the best things in life
require sacrificing the easy way
for the way that’s worth it.

And you’ve decided..
it’s worth it.

so here’s a sappy love song.

Bats. Real ones.

I tried to upload a video from my phone of the time, two days ago, when I watched 1.5 million bats fly out from under the Congress Street Bridge in Austin. but apparently the video is the wrong format. and I don’t want to upgrade to costly wordpress instead of free wordpress. (–>cheap<–)

I also considered just leaving this blog post blank..
because the title is kind of enough.

but I’ve been seeing and reading and laughing and thinking.. so here are some thinks.

I h.a.t.e. it when M’s internet is down. it’s been 3.5 days now. it makes me feel like I’m walking through a pool about waist-deep because everything feels harder and like it’s in slow-motion. Missing someone makes you realize that he is essential to your well-being. my phone battery is going dead everyday from my constant and hopeful checking of messages.

Austin is lovely. I was up to my earlobes in unique and pretty treasures that I wanted and needed just by perusing two amazing Congress Street shops. and I found my best friend’s wedding gift.

today I took a tour of the river in San Antonio via riverboat. the entire time a 4 year-old boy named Danny had a kicking war with me and then moved on to a finger war and then a hand-stacking war. it was one of the greatest times I’ve had all month. he had a faux hawk all the way down the back. I told him he is mi nuevo novio. his mother scolded him in Spanish the entire ride. his parents wanted me to keep him.

^those photos counted as thoughts ^ 

I went to the most expensive restaurant I’ve been to since we came to Texas tonight, and it was ironically the worst experience I’ve had in a restaurant since we’ve been here. but thank you for my $13 appetizer that was a bed of spinach leaves and 4 thumb-sized slices of pan-seared tuna. and your guac was good. won’t be back.

there is now a Justin Bieber poster hanging in my room at the foot of Lisa’s bed. I never thought that would happen to me in my life. but Ryan Reynolds is also there to diffuse the situation.

today I read a poem that goes like this:

On Art

I don’t think art

is so much a tribute to beauty

as it is a good reminder

that we don’t have to be so boring

-Dallin Bruun

I never want to be boring.

Cars 2. yes. made me miss my friends.

I also miss my dog, Shandi, because she is cute and the sweetest dog in the world. she turns 8 on Monday. my sister suggested we baptize her.

today I emailed Dan Dan the Volvo man about where my oil pan is when it ought to be in my vehicle. he sent me bad news but then quickly followed up with good news and I hope it arrives by Monday. my Volvo (M named it the Go-Getta) has been sitting at the curb in front of the apartment for weeks looking wistful and lonely. and walking to work on humid mornings makes me feel like a sweaty monkey.

I recently had my first paid design job for a little icon within an iPhone app called Calvetica. my icon is an absolutely minimal contribution, but it made me feel official. I am a graphic designer after 1 semester of school.

and I never shared my great news.. I got a departmental tuition waiver from my school for the whole upcoming school year! a.k.a. they are paying for me to go to school. it took much effort and turning in an essay on the day of my kidney stone surgery as I almost threw up in the line and then a portfolio review with several professors at a very long table and it made me feel naked as they passed around my artwork and asked me questions…. so that phone call telling me I got the waiver was magical. the timing of this waiver is also magical, given upcoming immigration expenses for M in my life.

I hated the movie “Waiting for Forever.”

did I mention I miss M?

okay… no more thinks right now.

goodnight, moon.

“I’m a legend, they call me the cautionary whale.”

so it’s been a minute. again. I have just accepted the fact that it will be internet years between blog posts and moved on. I’m sure you’ve done the same.

today’s post was actually spurred by me looking through my phone and realizing I have about 30 photos of Texas life that I would like to post instead of writing a novel. mmmkay?

aight cool. blink a few times and get your eyes warmed up for this. here we go.

first: the capital of Texas and my favorite city thus far, Austin.

the old school drinking fountain on the grounds. and Lisa using it.
 the reason we came to Austin, to chill with Christina at a ginormous house with incredible grounds and eat J Dawgs and fail to bring swimsuits. and it so happened that Christina and I dressed alike. cut-offs and neon yellow are hot right now. plus she and I apparently live parallel lives. we’ll even both be in New Zealand in October, only missing each other by 2 days. you can’t make this stuff up. love this girl.
also in Austin we went to a cupcake van called “Hey Cupcake!” and loved it,
got shaved ice, shopped at an outdoor market randomly chillin on the street, saw the “Hi how are you?” frog from the movie “Whip It.” oh and I saw two guys from my mission who, independently of each other, came to this giant YSA activity that we were attending. and then we saw the most recent X-Men movie, which was wicked awesome, as expected.
my view from the backseat as we road-tripped:
and Lisa and yours truly at the gorgeous huge house. you can’t tell here, but our feet are in the pool.
ok. moving on from Austin. (I lingered there because it was my fave.)

we have.. Corpus Christi. actually technically not Corpus. more like Padre Island.. where we like to go chill at Whitecap Beach. and this is how happy it makes us:
and it also makes us relaxed:
 and we love our lives at the beach. especially when we eat at Padre Island Burger Company… where I had the best burger I’ve ever had in my life.. called “The Hangover.” go eat it.

and speaking of eating.. San Antonio has the most delicious food. apparently it’s the fattest city in the U.S. awesome. so we’re gonna talk about that for a second.
Exhibit A: Chuy’s (where Natalie INSISTED I go to try a Chuychanga with Boom Boom Sauce because she’s obsessed. turns out I hate Boom Boom Sauce cuz it’s almost straight cheese. however.. I  am absolutely in a relationship with their jalapeno ranch. ummmm wow. and know what else I am in love with? their tres leches. get in my belly.)
 Exhibit B: Panera Bread. which, I have to say, is my all-time fave restaurant, dating back to my Florida days. I always made my poor companions go there as much as possible on the mish. and when I say poor, I mean lucky. when will you come to Utah, Panera Bread? when? (anybody who says Paradise Bakery is the same is a BIG FAT LIAR.)
 Exhibit C: Mi Tierra (or, as I like to call it, the assault on the eyes.)
you see what I mean. it is apparently a very famous Mexican Restaurant, attracting even the likes of Bill Clinton when he shows his face in San Anton. I had mole poblano. (if I’m being honest, Red Iguana in SLC is better for mole poblano.)
however, the ribs my manager, Anne, got were heavenly. we even got a personal serenade from a mariachi duo on guitars. and we ate some treats from their panaderia (bakery for those less educated in espanish).
Exhibit D: Dick’s Last Resort (not exclusive to San Antonio, but still always good time.) I refuse to actually type out what it says on my hat in this photo, nor go into further detail about how I was pwned all night, because you can always trust Dick’s to be inappropriate. but let’s just say Lisa and I laughed our guts out.)
man. that photo was huge. I hope your computer didn’t get overwhelmed.
Exhibit E: Whataburger. but I have no photo. but oh man… that ish is DELISH. way better than In-n-Out. yeah I said it.

ok. let’s see. what else… oh,

the pool. I know I already discussed it, but here’s Lisa modeling our 6″ section of water that has become our favorite layout spot.. and lookin hot.

and maybe one of my favorite things so far about San Antonio is a little something called First Friday, which is where a couple of blocks get turned into an artsy street market and vendors set up booths for jewelry and art and henna and feather extensions and trinkets and art galleries open and food establishments fill up, and basically… it’s totally my scene. so here’s a little collage of this past weekend for you:
annnnnd the hyper photo sesh that happened when we got home. and we looked like hippies.
…..it’s probably only funny to me, but whatev.
and my bomb wicked sweet awesome earrings I got from my first First Friday (say that 5 times fast.) I’m in lurrrrve with them.

next up we have adventures at Del Sol. (some of us may or may not call it Del Hole from time to time. but that is uncomfirmed.)
these are a few of the UV lamps we stare into and use all the day long to show off our color-changing products that are probably burning our retinas or something. AND spreading joy and happiness and smiles.
and this is Lisa and Melissa.. like…. STOKED to be at work.

and then after we do that, we like to go down the street to hang with our homeboys at the Guinness World Records Museum and the Haunted Adventure and Tomb Rider 3D. actually… that only happened one time.
Tallest man in the world:
 Fattest man in the world:
and me being officially deemed as: SEXY. beetches.
…another HUGE photo. I know.

and. speaking of work. across the street from work is the Alamo. yes. so… there’s a plaza in front of it, right? and things happen there. like err-day. weird. things. and I’m not just saying that. they are legit weird.
FOR EXAMPLE:
one time… there was a random group of people. some were dressed as slaves with chains around their necks and/or inmates in orange jumpsuits. they were carrying a giant statue of a woman (maybe Mary?) with the Alamo coming out of her feet, like you would carry a coffin. except… she was upside down. and they hung an Alamo pinata in front of the Alamo.
 and then… a parade of dropped vehicles rolled by… on hydraulics. what?
but that is not all, my friends. oh no. as I left work I walked by the gazebo only to see these slaves and/or inmates standing on either side of this woman with Alamo feet SPINNING her head over heels… over and over again. observe:
 BUT… as if that wasn’t weird enough. there was a man standing up on the stone wall THROWING ROSE PETALS at the statue as they spun it.
AND!
there was a woman chanting/yodeling at the top of her lungs while a band accompanied her as the soundtrack for the occasion.
………………………………..
don’t pretend like you can top that for weirdness.
you can’t.
stuff like that happens everyday, kids.

anyway. wanna know what else was super duper fun? and that is serious. it was really super duper fun. Six Flags. we walked on EVERY ride and we loved our lives. perfect day.
except sometimes their coasters are only for skinny people, apparently. and they weed out the fatties with their skinny ace ramps that last for like 3 stories of a building.

wanna see some other beautiful San Antonio things?
of course you do.

The San Antonio LDS Temple:
sky.
yeah. I live across the street from the Tower of the Americas. and the Alamodome. what?
River Walk
sweet building

and finally… since my car is still rocking a cracked oil pan…..

my new ride:

peace, love, and green lamborghini grease to all of you, my friends.

oh. wait, wait, wait.

I have to not stop yet. because, despite how it may look in all of these awesome photos you just went through,

Texas sucks.

why?

because this was the LAMEST 4th of July of my life. not only did I work all day, but Texas is in the drought of the century and they decided to BAN ANY AND ALL FIREWORKS.
first time ever in my life that I’ve spent the 4th of July sitting in my apartment, watching a weird movie.

and I hated it.
but I still love America.
…..kthanks.